Sir Critic on Cinema

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Sir Critic, alias Eric Robinette, reviews movies — both blockbusters and arty stuff — comments on theaters and opines about everything else cinematic.

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August 2008

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Home > Blogs > Sir Critic on Cinema > Archives > 2007 > June > 28 > Entry

Bad Boys II - Worst movie EVER!

By Eric Robinette | Thursday, June 28, 2007, 12:01 PM

Some bad movies are stupid. Others are poorly filmed. A number of them are downright offensive.

Bad Boys II, directed by none other than Michael Bay, earns the dubious honor of being all three. It’s the antithesis of Singin’ in the Rain. When I see that movie, I feel on top of the world. When I saw Bad Boys II, I hated the world.

I came out of that theater incensed. I wanted two and a half hours of my life back, plus interest. And new brain cells, eardrums and optic nerves would have been nice too.

How mad was I? I wrote the following review in the heat of the moment, so it should give you some idea. I held nothing back to the point that I’ve had to censor this review to make it suitable for this blog. I applied the “Breakfast Club on TV” filter to it. Read on, if you dare.

Memo to Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay

From a truly disgusted film critic

Good God, Jerry and Mike. Where do I start in writing about Bad Boys II? I’ve always known you guys are the premier purveyors of cinematic wretched excess, but until this movie I didn’t know that you’re also a couple of sick [fools].

I know that’s harsh, guys, but what else am I supposed to think about a movie that wallows in being as repulsive as possible? What am I to make of the chase scene in which dead bodies spill out the back of a van, and a pursuing car beheads one of them?

And what the [heck] was the deal with the shot that shows two rats [showing they love each other very much], Mike? Has it been your secret ambition to be a documenatarian for National Geographic, and this is the best you could come up with? Or is that how you learned about the deed and you wanted to share?

I guess the point of these lovely scenes is humor; the lemmings I watched the movie with laughed loud and long at both of them. I weep for humanity.

I know I sound like a tightwad, but you know what? I don’t care. Until now, you’ve never gone to such lengths to be offensive. It’s like you guys sat together and said, “Let’s take a big chunk of our money and see just how much [shoot] we can get away with.”

But what’s the point of spending all that money if you get nothing from it? Mike, you have a reputation for being one of the more, um - aggressive action directors we have, and I’ll actually admit, you’re not without talent. But you have an uncanny ability to sabotage your own good ideas.

For instance, in one of the highway chases, the villains are driving a car carrier, and they detach the cars one by one, so bingo - instant obstacle course. Good idea, Mike. Too bad you totally [fouled] up the execution. There are so many edits in the scene - cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut - that I couldn’t tell where anyone or anything was.

Then there’s the shootout in the druggies’ house in which the camera whips around in a circle from one room to another, ducking through bullet holes and the like. Yeah, you ripped it off from Panic Room and Swordfish, (which, ironically, ripped off you), but it’s still a good idea. SO WHY DO YOU KEEP CUTTING AWAY FROM IT AND INTERRUPTING THE FLOW??

And the word flow reminds me - why in God’s name is this movie two and a half hours long? So you could include the scene in which Will Smith and Martin Lawrence discuss a bullet wound in the butt and a crowd of department store shoppers think they’re gay lovers?

And what’s with the scene in which a young kid taking Lawrence’s daughter on a date is terrorized by Lawrence and Smith, who waves a gun in his face and asks him, “You ever have sex with a man? Want to?”

Get a load of that! You use the scene for a cheap laugh and make your stars and yourselves look like homophobes in the process. It’s especially dispiriting to see Will Smith stoop so low. Did you kick him an extra million to get him to say those lines?

There’s so much more I could talk about, like the scene in which the camera ogles a dead woman’s breast implants, but even you should have the smarts to get my point by now: You went too far this time. It’s enough to make me want to retreat to the relative comfort of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. At least McG and his gals aren’t into necrophilia.

I know Mike was the one calling the shots on this, Jerry, but since you’re his boss, you share responsibility for Bay’s misdeeds. It’s a shame because I had liked most of your movies lately. With Remember the Titans, Black Hawk Down and Pirates of the Caribbean under your belt you actually seemed to have acquired taste, Bad Company and Kangaroo Jack notwithstanding. But you’ll have to make something as classy as Vertigo to get back in my good graces. And, no, making me sick with one of Bay’s chase scenes does NOT count.

Yes, there should be room for dumb action movies where every other shot is an explosion - but for every kind of movie, there is a line of taste to be drawn, and Bad Boys II crosses it by a country mile. It’s the worst movie of this year, and of your careers.

Now I’m sure you and the less discriminating members of your audience would respond to me by saying, “Man, it’s only a movie.” Or as somebody on the Rolling Stone message boards so delicately put it, in their unique spelling, “ya its sick humor but it didnt stop the whole theature from rumbling with laughter.this is what i want some critqes to do for a change. Grow a spine and [some gumption]. then untighten their [posterior] so they can stop breaking wind out of their ears and [getting oral diarrhea.]”

You must be so proud to have such articulate defenders, guys! I’ll tell you and your fans what, though. I’ll take that advice. I’ll grow a “spine and [some gumption]” when you grow a brain and a sense of decency. But I don’t think I’ll hold my breath.

GRADE: F-

Whew! OK, now that that little tirade is over, let me ask you - are there any movies that make you so mad you want to throw a brick through whatever screen is playing it? What are some of your very least favorites?

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