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Home > Blogs > Get on the Bus > Archives > 2006 > April > 02 > Entry
Handling the death of a pet
In the past week, a work friend and I both faced a tough situation with our children — the death of a beloved family pet.
This can be a shocking and sad time for kids, and a challenge for parents. Particularly tough is the question of what to tell them and when and how to help them deal with their grief.
About 18 months ago, the first of our three cats died, and the timing could not have been worse. Our family was headed out of town on a weekend trip with friends. My wife had noticed our oldest cat had been acting strangely so she arranged to board her at the vet so they could check her out and she would have someone to keep an eye on her. But an hour after she dropped the cat off, the vet called with the bad news. The cat was very ill and they were recommending euthanasia.
Normally, I favor honesty with the kids in nearly all circumstances. But this was a tough one. We were afraid the news would ruin the weekend for the kids. So we didn’t tell them until we got back. And that was tough. They scurried into the house to find the cats and our middle child, then 4, came back concerned because she couldn’t find one of them.
We sat her down with her sisters (then ages 6 and 2) and told them the cat had died just before we left. They were shocked and disbelieving, summed up by the four year old’s question — “Is this a trick?”
My wife printed out pictures of the cat that they carried around with them for weeks. They also drew dozens of pictures of her and talked about her unceasingly. I’d say it took a solid two months for them to really get used to the idea that their cat had died.
But that fairly recent experience seemed to help the kids this time around. The second cat’s death was also sudden, but they seemed far less disturbed by it. I found them often answering their own questions about death when we talked about it.
Helpful to us in both cases was a really excellent childrens’ book called Cat Heaven. It’s aimed at ages seven and under, but the book would be a comforting read for mourning pet owners of any age.
In fact, my wife recently gave the accompanying book Dog Heaven by the same author for a friend at work who suffered through along illness with her pet.
Any other advice for parents to help their kids deal with the loss of a pet?
Permalink | Comments (12) | Categories: Young Children
Comments
By john
April 6, 2006 6:59 AM | Link to this
Here a a few more books that are appropiate for kids (and adults). “The Tenth Good Thing About Barney” by Judith Viorst; “The Fall of Freddy the Leaf” by Leo Buscaglia; “Badger’s Parting Gifts” By Susan Varley and “Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss” by Michaelene Mundy. Also of note, Judith Viorst had a very difficult time getting any publisher to publish her book prior to 1971. They all thought that you shouldn’t talk to kids about death.By Lea
April 5, 2006 11:53 AM | Link to this
Even if you don’t put a pet to sleep, think about the consequences if, say, the pet is hit by a car. When I was 4, my kitten “ran away” while my family was camping. I was 31 before I found out that the neighbors ran over him. I felt betrayed, even then. Also let’s just hope Stacy has no children - or pets.By Jessica
April 4, 2006 8:48 PM | Link to this
Dealing with a death—any death—is difficult for children who have yet to understand abstract concepts. For adults, our emotions become even more involved as we think of the memories, the time, and the feelings we put into our pets. Last year, at the same time that I learned my father had cancer, I also learned that my beloved siamese also had progressed cancer. My parents allowed me to make the decision on his treatment on my own, even with me being two hours away. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do. The vet that we always took him to had retired but offered to put him to sleep for me, then the entire clinic staff sent me and my family two condolence cards—one for my father’s diagnosis and one for my cat’s passing. This was one of the most touching things and helped me to remember that the decision I had made was the right one. I love the book choices that your wife and you have offered for your children. A book for adults that celebrates our pets and our close ties with them is “Marley and Me” By John Groban. It is an excellent book and I highly recommend it for all pet owners.By wheels
April 4, 2006 8:20 PM | Link to this
Stacy, I wonder if you have ever had to make the decision to end a life. When I had to do it with my two cats who were part of my family for many years, it was extremely hard and I cried like I never thought I would. Yes, they were animals, but they were a part of my life and part of my children’s lives and they meant a lot to us. I certainly know who I’m going to go for first if there’s a fire, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t feel a sense of loss when they are gone.By J.Dillon
April 4, 2006 7:54 PM | Link to this
SISCA offers grief counseling if anyone is in their area. Google: “Rainbow Bridge” and it is also a good aid for young or old. Stacy, those thousands of millions of years of evolution have evolved animals trotting right along beside us the whole time. Just think of the tragedy of losing your carriage horse before automobiles were the way to get around? Your prize milk cow, plowing mules or oxen. Dogs have helped humans through wars and law enforcement, rescue dogs and assisting the handicapped. Even if that animal is a companion the benefits we give each other with relieving stress and lowering blood pressure helps nursing homes and heart patients. Think about it.By indygirl
April 4, 2006 6:36 PM | Link to this
It’s too bad more people don’t secure a bond with their pets and love them like a member of the family. If they did, maybe there wouldn’t be so many pets in shelters waiting for the love they deserve.By Angie
April 4, 2006 4:38 PM | Link to this
Stacy Law, Your lack of emotion is what is wrong with todays world.By Patti Keith
April 4, 2006 4:31 PM | Link to this
Sometimes people don’t realize that pets are like family. Children don’t understand death, and there is going to be anger and confusion about when a pet is suffering and you just don’t know what to do. I am sorry for your loss. Furry friends are family.By DEBORAH CAMPBELL
April 4, 2006 3:28 PM | Link to this
I MADE THE MISTAKE OF NOT TELLING MY 11 YEAR OLD I HAD OUR SICK CAT PUT TO SLEEP. WHEN SHE DID LEARN ABOUT IT SHE WAS VERY UPSET WITH ME. SHE IS 21 NOW AND SHE IS STILL UPSET WITH ME ABOUT THIS. SO YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. I WISH I WOULD HAVE HANDLED THIS BETTER. I AM SORRY ABOUT YOUR CATS. I AM A CAT LOVER ALL THE WAY.By Stacy Law
April 4, 2006 2:18 PM | Link to this
This is so stupid. Thousands and millions of years of evolution, and we have to have emotional support for the death of an animal. Think about that for just a quick second, would’ya?By Kim
April 4, 2006 12:40 PM | Link to this
We, too, just lost a pet. It was our beloved Rottweiler of over 8 years. She was a part of our family and all of us, from the 8 year old to the 36 year old, were crushed. It helped to keep a tuft of her fur though & to put her collar on a stuffed Rottie that my son has…By Mary
April 3, 2006 12:43 PM | Link to this
I found the emotions involved in losing a pet very similar to losing a relative. Pets become family. Even when the child is in their teens, it is hard for the child and the parents. There is also the guilt of wondering if you took good enough care of the pet.