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October 2009
Halloween about to give up the ghost
It is mere days before Halloween, and I have to ask: Do your kids have their costumes yet?
This might seem like a silly question, especially for parents of little ones who likely have had their beloved costumes (or at least plans for them) for months.
I ask because just the skeleton of that pink, pudgy love remains in my house. In fact, as I write this, my elementary-schoolers still don’t have a stitch of ghoulish garb, or anything remotely Halloween-y.
And, although they are just fine with that, it is kind of bumming me out. I mean, it wasn’t that long ago that we were searching in earnest for the perfect Harry Potter glasses, or trying to find a mask that wouldn’t cause the younger one to sport truly bloody knees.
Is it me or aren’t they a little young for the fascination to have worn off?
It’s not like I wasn’t warned. Last year, the then second- and fourth-graders showed a dropoff in interest from the year before.
At the time, I faulted premature visions of sugarplums for their sudden lack of Halloween luster.
But I can’t even fault St. Nick this year, since I also am the one bringing up Christmas.
“Why don’t you guys start your Christmas lists?” I asked them when they were bored a week or so ago.
“In October?” they asked.
To be fair, though, one of the factors in this year’s alienation of Halloween affection might just be fitting the shopping into our schedules.
For instance, on Sunday I told the guys: “If you want to get costumes, we should really do it today since we have a pretty full week ahead. Besides, all the good costumes might be gone soon.”
But they both said they wanted to watch football instead.
“Sorry I’m not too much in the spirit of the season,” the younger one added, with one eye on the TV screen.
So I asked them, “Do you even want to go trick-or-treating? You don’t have to, you know. You could stay home with me and pass out candy.”
“No, we want candy,” the older one said.
Earlier this fall, upon my prodding, they each did have some idea of what they might want to be.
The 8-year-old thought that he might want to be a bottle of ketchup. As puzzling as that was, it was still a better choice than that of his 10-year-old brother.
“I want to be a urinal,” he said.
“Why? That’s awful,” I told him.
“I know!”
At least that showed some interest. However, I still wasn’t going to let my kid out of the house dressed as a restroom fixture. That’s what college is for.
He then thought he might want to be a hippie.
“All I need is a tie-dyed shirt, some glasses and a wig,” he said. Looking at his hair, I thought the wig might be optional.
Then his brother, hearing the simple costume accessories needed, said: “Well, maybe I could be a hippie, too.”
“That might be cute!” I said, picturing them in matching costumes.
“That would be terrible,” the older one said.
So, the pursuit continues. With any luck, in a couple of days when this story is published, the kids will have something to wear in their less-than-festive search for candy.
And I will take lots of pictures, since it just might just be their last year to get into that particular spirit. I just hope they have fun — even if it has little to do with costumes.
“I just think I am more into the pumpkins this year,” the 8-year-old said.
Which reminds me; we don’t have any of those, either.
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Help your child make friends
I love my friends. I am blessed to have forged dozens of lasting relationships with childhood buddies, college pals, good neighbors and forever friends from every city we’ve lived in.
They lift me up in times of need (like right now, when my mother-in-law is hospitalized and the whole family is in full panic mode), whether it’s with a homemade cranberry bread or thoughtful posting on my Facebook wall.
Some people are loners: My Hubby grew up out in the country with few kids around and has a few close friendships, and that’s enough for him.
Me? I’m happiest when I’m making that personal connection. Sharing joys and sorrows with others is at my essence.
But how do you help your children build those friendships that will buoy them throughout their lives?
What I’ve tried to do is:
1) Teach the Golden Rule.
2) Be a friend to make a friend — Playdates, babysitting co-ops, carpools, sideline chats at sporting events, coffee dates, and especially potluck suppers can really bond families to one another. You won’t know if you’re a good ‘fit’ with another family until you spend time together. When it works, you just feel it. So be brave and extend an invitation. Your house doesn’t have to be spotless to have guests, ‘cause the kids will just mess it up anyway (at least that’s the excuse I use ;).
3) Practice ‘Friendship Maintenance’ — Cultivate and maintain new and old relationships through letters and e-mail, sharing pictures, visits, phone calls. Yes, we all go through busy phases, but keep making that connection, even if it’s just a photo card during the holidays.
We moved to Ohio when our kids were ages 7 and 4. They already had a network of friends, and we’ve encouraged the kids to stay in touch with them. The computer is a godsend for this, and now that the kids are older, there’s Facebook, e-mails, unlimited texting and Xbox 360 live.
Living in an Air Force town and in a bad economy, we’ve had to say goodbye to quite a few friends since we came to Dayton seven years ago. It’s sometimes hard for the kids, but we remind them of all the ‘away’ friends we have.
When we travel, we always try to make detours to far-flung friends’ homes along the way. This usually takes a lot of scheduling coordination on both ends, but it’s always worth it to see the kids run off and play with their old friends like they were together yesterday, and sit back and share a glass of wine or game of cards and reconnect with your adult friends. This is like heaven to me.
So help your child make a friend. The peace it can bring to his or her heart is the best gift you could give.
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Research guides decision on H1N1 vaccination
There has been much discussion among parents across the country as to whether we should have our children vaccinated for H1N1, or swine flu.
A national poll conducted in August through C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital and the University of Michigan found that most parents — 60 percent — were not planning to have their children vaccinated.
Those who were against the vaccine cited multiple reasons, including concerns about vaccine side effects, the fact that they weren’t worried that their children would get H1N1, and/or because they prefer to fight the flu with medications.
And some of those polled, 20 percent, said they didn’t think H1N1 was a serious disease.
In contrast, those who did plan to get it did believe H1N1 to be a serious disease (83 percent), worried about their kids getting this flu and noted that the vaccine was recommended for children.
I am among the many parents who share concerns from both camps. I do think H1N1 is a serious disease, and find it is extremely worrisome that children are particularly vulnerable.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, pediatric deaths from the H1N1 flu virus already rival the annual total from seasonal flu.
This week’s tragic news about the death of a Springboro kindergartner who had tested positive for H1N1 brings that even closer to home.
I also have inherent misgivings about any new vaccine, due to an experience I had a couple of months after my first son was born.
Back then, I allowed him to get a recently introduced vaccine for rotavirus, only to have it recalled two weeks later. He did not experience the side effects for which the vaccine was recalled and did not come down with the rotavirus, but that experience made me more cautious about medical decisions.
Then there also is the concern about the vaccine among parents who believe there is a link between vaccines and mercury, and autism and other neurological disorders.
I know medical research shows there is no link, and I have met parents who would bet their lives that there is.
I also have heard from parents who believe the vaccine is being promoted because various groups are benefiting financially.
So, with all these rumors circulating and so much at stake, I needed to do some research before I made the decision for my kids.
Here is what I found:
— The American Academy of Pediatrics, the CDC and Children’s Medical Center of Dayton strongly recommend getting children vaccinated for H1N1. The CDC emphasizes that the flu vaccine is the single best way to protect against this illness.
— The vaccine has the same risks as the seasonal flu vaccine and, according to Children’s Medical Center, is formulated the same way as the annual seasonal flu vaccine, but with the H1N1 antigen.
— The multidose shot of H1N1 contains thimerosal, a mercury-based preservative. Single doses contain trace amounts of thimerosal, and the H1N1 FluMist contains none.
According to Public Health-Dayton & Montgomery County, the multidose contains about 25 micrograms of mercury, and a tuna sandwich contains about 28 micrograms of mercury.
The CDC added that thimerosal has been used for decades in the United States in vials containing more than one dose of some vaccines to prevent contamination.
— Of the first 39,000 Chinese to get shots, only four had side effects, including headaches and muscle cramps, according to the public health department.
Dr. Paul A. Offit of Children’s Hospital in Philadelphia is on record as saying: “You could argue that this (vaccine) is better tested than seasonal flu vaccine.”
CDC director Dr. Thomas R. Frieden added, “We have cut no corners (in vaccine production).”
— The vaccine is free and is being paid for by Public Health Emergency Response grants. Given this information, I am planning to get my children vaccinated for H1N1.
For me, the risks of not getting the vaccine and having my kids get sick far outweigh the risks of them getting the vaccine.
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Halloween fun in your neighborhood!
Our little town gets into the Halloween spirit in a big way. Annual events include a PTO pumpkin sale and a fall festival featuring carnival games, horse-drawn wagon rides and a blocks-long scarecrow contest that has to be seen to be appreciated.
The civic celebrations continue on a neighborly level with sneaky visits from the ding-dong-ditch crew clandestinely delivering treats via the Phantom Ghost. (Find out how to start this inexpensive, fun tradition with your own friends by clicking here.)
We’ve also been lucky enough to score standing invitations for the neighborhood pumpkin-carving party — it’s the stuff of legends — and an annual costume party for adults and kiddies alike. (Hubby won honors a few years back dressed as the pope!)
On the Big Night itself, little “beggars” come out in droves to troll our streets for sweets. A local church hands out bags of fresh-popped popcorn and cups of warm cider. One neighbor spins cotton candy on his porch. Walk around long enough and you’ll see everyone in town.
If you live in an area without such welcoming festivities, it’s high time to create your own traditions. You can start small by inviting a few friends over for a soup supper before trick-or-treating. Or think big and make your house a destination spot with lots of creepy animatronic creatures in your yard.
Above all, take some time this autumn to get out and mingle with your neighbors before winter’s long hibernation period. The connections you make now will give you a warm glow that lasts the whole year through.
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News stories prompt talk about gun safety
A couple of recent news stories, one local and one not, have brought gun use by private citizens to the forefront, and got the parent in me thinking even more about gun safety.
One of the stories showed the benefits of having a gun in the house, while the other story had a more tragic end.
The local story documented how four Dayton-area residents, in a four-week period this year, defended themselves by shooting at armed individuals.
Three of these four cases ended with either the arrest or death of the alleged offender, while none of the citizens who did the defensive shooting are facing criminal charges.
That would be the more positive domestic gun story.
The other story was about a Pennsylvania mother, Meleanie Hain, 31, who first made news last year for carrying a loaded, holstered handgun to her 5-year-old daughter’s soccer games.
According to published reports, she said she was within her rights, but the county sheriff disagreed. He said she showed poor judgment by wearing the gun to a child’s game and revoked her permit to carry a gun.
A judge later reinstated the permit.
Then, last week, Hain was shot and killed by her husband in their home. Her husband then shot himself to death. Their three children were in the home at the time.
This second story was an example of the extremely negative side of having a gun in the house.
Personally, it is not my concern if people choose to exercise their right to keep a licensed gun in their house.
That is, until my kids are invited to play or sleep over. Then it becomes my No. 1 concern.
Being the parent of two young boys, I have found myself asking parents who invite my kids over if they own a gun, if safety measures are taken and if it is kept locked away from the kids.
It is not a question I enjoy asking; it feels intrusive and nosy. But it is one I feel needs to be asked to help ensure the kids’ safety.
I also have talked to my sons about what to do if they are at a friend’s house and they encounter a gun.
I told my 8-year-old before a sleepover this summer, “If (your friend) asks you if you want to see his dad’s gun or if he wants you guys to play with it, just run and tell a grown-up. Or, if there is not a grown-up around, just run the other way. Do whatever you can to get out of there fast. Guns can kill you.”
But I quickly saw I might have talked past my intended instructional line and crossed over into inciting panic when the little guy said, “Now I think I am too scared to go to the sleepover!”
So I looked to some experts for advice on what to say and how to talk to my kids about gun safety.
Through Children’s Medical Center in Dayton, I found Safe Kids USA, which is part of a global network whose mission is to prevent accidental childhood injury.
Safe Kids advocates asking other parents whether there is a gun in the home, and says to tell the kids not to touch a gun, and to tell an adult if they find one.
The National Rifle Association also has good tips for children when they come across a gun.
Through their kid-friendly representative Eddie Eagle, they tell children to: Stop! Don’t touch. Remove yourself from the area and tell an adult.
So, I see I was on the right track, but maybe just a bit too intense about it.
The bottom line is, it is important to remember that guns are out there and that kids need to know what to do if they encounter one.
Arming our kids with knowledge is one thing we can do to help protect them.
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Mother has sticker shock over American Girl Dolls
My husband just called to tell me he has an extra person to dress in the morning. No, we didn’t suddenly have another child. My 15-month-old daughter discovered her Bitty Baby.
My husband’s grandmother bought our daughter a Bitty Baby doll before she had become a bitty baby herself. I tucked it away in her closet thinking we wouldn’t get it back out until she was much older.
But then my parents traveled to Chicago a few weeks ago and stopped at The American Girl doll store to get clothes for Bitty Baby - a $34 outfit. For a doll. Granted it had chambray pants, a shirt, a jacket, hat, shoes, tights and a jumper, but still it’s for a doll. I wouldn’t even spend that much on an outfit for my daughter.
Since we had an outfit for Bitty Baby, I decided to get her out of storage just to see how my daughter would react. It was like the angels sang when I pulled that doll out of the box. My daughter quickly snatched it from me like it was her long-lost baby, kissing it and gently patting it’s back. She refused to put it down all night.
Then this morning, she insisted that my husband dress Bitty Baby in her new outfit before anyone else in the house had been dressed.
The husband and I talked about getting our daughter one of the American Girl dolls for Christmas until I saw how much they cost. For an actual doll, it’s $95. Just the doll and a book. If you want a deal, you can get a Bitty Baby for $42.
If that weren’t enough of a sticker shock, you can get outfits that cost $60 to match your dolls outfits. Or a jacket for $98. And if you really want to spend those hard-earned dollars, you can buy a bed for the doll for $108 or maybe even a doll storage cabinet for $349.
I think this is an extravagance we will let grandparents and great-grandparents spend their money on.
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DIY Halloween costumes: Fun with a box
It’s the time of year when all little ghouls and boys have only one thing on their minds: Trick-or-Treat — or as they say around here, Beggars Night.
Turns out beggars can be choosers: For the past two years, my daughter and I have been able to create really fun Halloween costumes with little more than a cardboard box, a glue gun and some items from the Dollar Tree.
Our first effort involved a hot dog hat she had picked up as a Cedar Point souvenir. We cut a “tabletop” out of a box and added a cheap red-checkered tablecloth (tacking down the corners). We topped it off by gluing on some empty cups, plates and condiment packets from Skyline Chili, and voila, she’s a “Hot Dog Lunch.” (In the accompanying photo, notice her buddy the Clothes Dryer — another example of box-costume magic.)
Last year, we made her costume out of two boxes. It was easy: We just covered a few bankers boxes with white poster paper, downloaded a Frigidaire logo off the Internet (btw, Frigidaire has its roots in Dayton), then hot-glued on some magnets and a “report card.” Then we kicked it up a notch by designing a swinging door (with duct tape!) and fastening some play food onto an old undershirt. The “Refrigerator” costume was born.
This year, we’ve drawn a schematic of an “Aquarium” costume, complete with fish tank backdrops from the pet store, black electrical tape representing metal edging, and an octopus hat — again from our friends at Cedar Point’s Hat Shack.
Believe me, if we can do this, anyone can. Get your imagination humming and start planning a one-of-a-kind costume today!
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Are today’s kids in too many activities?
It is usually when I am recapping a weekend full of tryouts, tournaments and track meets that some of the friends or relatives I am talking to get that look in their eyes.
It is the look that says: “Why do you have your kids in so many activities?”
The reason I know this is because I also have friends and relatives who have no problem following up the look by asking me the question directly.
Now, this is almost exclusively asked by people who either don’t have kids or whose kids haven’t started school yet, and it makes me think that they just don’t realize how different the playing field is compared to when we were all kids.
But, it still gives me pause.
My kids are in several extracurriculars, all of which they love (except football), but the queries have made me ask myself: Are my kids, and kids in general these days, overdoing it with sports and other extracurriculars?
So, I started asking other parents I know who also have their kids in multiple activities why that was, and if they thought it was too much.
One mom I talked to has three kids on select soccer teams — all in different cities.
She said she and her husband are exhausted from running them to practices, games and tournaments.
But added: “All the kids they would be playing with in the neighborhood are doing the same thing.”
And that is true. You don’t find as many kids hanging out at the local park together, shooting baskets in the driveway or even just skipping down the sidewalks as you used to.
How it got that way is likely due to some combination of urban sprawl, fear and protective parents.
But the reality is, the kids aren’t at your house, ready to play like they once were. Where you find the kids are at these organized sports or activities.
Another difference between then and now is the time and intensity of these activities.
As a kid, I didn’t know anyone my age who took a yearlong dance class or was able to string together baseball seasons with summer camps.
Thirty years ago, most kids’ sports (at least according to all the former athletes I talked to) took two-and-a-half to three months a year with one practice a week.
Today, some last up to eight months and have practices multiple times a week.
One of the dads I talked to said he thought the difference was due to the proliferation of select sports.
“When the kids have sports that are practically year-round, it is going to make for a busy year,” said the father of two. “But what are you going to do? If all of their friends and the quality coaches are going to be in the select programs, that’s where you have to go.”
Another mom mentioned that she would rather have her kids involved in too many things, than in too few.
“I don’t want them getting into trouble,” she said. “I think it is good to keep them busy.”
And she has no trouble finding ways to fill that time. In yet another change from our childhoods, (at least partly brought on by the fact that parents are willing to chauffeur) there seem to be endless options to keep kids busy.
Part of this also is likely due to the fact that more is known about what activities can benefit kids as they grow.
Another dad mentioned that he and his wife just added piano lessons to their daughters’ already lengthy lists of activities.
“We wanted them to have music,” he said, “because it helps build creative thinking.”
The problem is, there is no right answer except on a case-by-case basis — and even then it is tough to tell.
We all just have to do what we think is best for our kids every step of the way.
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Growing up Catholic
When we moved to Ohio seven years ago and started to settle into our community, my son — then 7 years old — posed an innocent question: “Can we join a church?”
Oh, the Catholic guilt burned in my soul!
You see, I had lapsed in my faith; and although my Methodist-raised Hubby and I married in the Catholic Church and our children had been baptized into the faith as babies, we were Holiday Churchgoers up to that point — Palm Sunday, Easter, Christmas, weddings, visits to Grandma’s, anything that required a new suit of clothes. No excuses; I just got lazy.
But my little boy’s honest query stirred by heart and spurred me to action. We joined a nearby parish, and although we’re still kind of hit-and-miss at Mass (does this blog count as confession?), the kids regularly attend Faith Formation classes — what we used to call CCD back in the day — and have received their sacraments.
I’m happy to say they’ve taken to religion rather nicely: My 11-year-old went as far as putting a Bible on her Christmas list a few years back. (Thanks, Grandma H, for hunting down a cool version aimed at tween girls!)
My now-13-year-old son has a deeply holy side that surprises me sometimes.
One day last year I noticed that he had written all the way down one side of his backpack IN SHARPIE.
“What the …?!” I said angrily. I peered closer, expecting to see rock lyrics scrawled across the camouflage bag. But no. He had written down his favorite Bible verses. And how do you stay mad at that? :p
During Mass, I often see him slipping $5 or $10 of his own money into the collection plate. When I asked him once why he had donated his whole allowance, he simply said, “It’s for a good cause.” This mom was humbled.
Now he’s facing a spiritual milestone as he goes through Confirmation. Through this sacrament, he will complete his “initiation” that started at baptism and become a stronger Christian in the process. In our church, it will involve daylong retreats with his peers and a few service projects done with his well-chosen Sponsor.
For my part, I am tasked with writing a “Care Letter” to him, sharing my hopes for him as he matures in his beliefs, celebrating how proud I am of the choices he’s made thus far, relating tales from my own journey. I have a feeling it’s going to be one long letter.
My son is blessed to have many people who care about him, and the second part of my Confirmation assignment is to solicit “Care Letters” from those people.
I’ve decided I’m going to be an equal-opportunity employer: The people closest to him may not be Catholic, or Christian, or even religious, but they are going to be asked to pen a note of encouragement or affirmation for him.
Later in the Confirmation process, he’ll get this batch of letters and know for certain that he does not walk alone through this life. It’s a good reminder for us all.
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Parents sometimes need to live and let try
Sometimes you forget, when you are so busy teaching your kids how to do things, that you actually have to let them do those things as well.
This can be difficult for parents. Some of us are afraid to trust our kids, especially when we feel the decision can affect their health or safety.
I know I am guilty of this sometimes, but I am working on it.
For example, the other night we were having friends over and I asked the boys, who are 8 and 10, to make their beds.
I know they are fully capable of doing this, in that their arms and legs work just fine, but they have probably only been asked to do it a handful of times in their lives.
(By the way, I agree that is an oversight. And I am sure my grandmother — who used to leave me curt Post-it notes reminding me to make my bed when I stayed with her — is rolling over in her grave as I write.)
Anyway, the boys understandably did a poor job. When I saw their beds, I said out loud: “They look horrible.”
The little one happened to be standing there, and he started to cry. It became clearer to me that I need to let him try and fail more often to prevent similar situations in the future.
So, I sat down with him and explained that I have to be honest with him about his job (and maybe a little more gentle), but that we will work on it more together so he knows how to do it.
When I was recounting the story later to friends, one of the moms said, “I am bad about that. I don’t even let my kids do it, because I know they won’t do it how I want it to be done.”
I had to agree with her. I do the same with other chores — be it cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes or taking out the garbage. I plan for them to do it, and I then end up doing it myself.
But I know that is not going to help them, or me, in the long run.
One thing my husband and I have been trying to do toward this end is, on these borderline fall days, let the boys decide what they need to wear for the elements.
So, our elated fifth-grader chose to go to school Monday in a T-shirt and shorts. Of course, I didn’t realize he had a field trip to Victoria Theatre in Dayton that day and would be outside for a while.
But he knew.
It ended up being one of those days that got chillier as the hours wore on.
When he got home from school, he told me about the trip and said: “All the people downtown were staring at me because I didn’t have a sweat shirt and pants on!”
“That’s not good,” I said. “Were you cold?”
“No,” he shrugged.
So, I guess you might count that one as a victory — although marginal.
Because, although I do feel he was underdressed, I was glad he noticed and dealt with the ramifications of his choice.
I did make sure he was covered from head to toe for the next school day, however.
At any rate, all these instances remind me that, amid all our parental teaching, we also must learn to trust our kids even though the results might not be as we would want them (at least at first).
But, if we don’t let them try, they will never be able to do.
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