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Tyra Banks isn't fat. And she'll do whatever it takes to convince you.

After unflattering photographs of Banks in her bathing suit were published under tabloid headlines "Thigh-ra Banks" and "America's Next Top Waddle," the model-turned-talk-show-host cranked up the damage control.

First up? Tyra posted a message on her Web site disputing the accuracy of the grainy snapshots. Note the feigned folksiness as she intertwines Googling herself with references to her modeling career and unsolicited compliments from strangers:

Hey y'all, Ever typed in your name on Google just to see what comes up? I've done it before for fun, and have seen lots of articles and photos from my career come up. But after returning from Australia recently and coming home to phone calls asking me if I was OK, I was confused. What were they talking about?

Then I remembered my flight back from Australia. Why did that flight attendant look my thighs and butt up and down — and say, "Thank God! Thank God! They're liars!!!"

I just wasn't getting it. I told myself I didn't care, but I was having trouble sleeping that night so I got outta bed, went over to my computer, and Googled myself.

This time I typed in "TYRA FAT" — and child, I had NO idea what was about to pop up on that screen.

My eyes were met with headline after headline..."TYRA PORK CHOPS (www.hollywoodtuna.com/?page_id=2442> !)" "TYRA TOPS 200LBS!" ... I couldn't believe what I was reading.

Then I saw the photo of me on the beach in Australia. Written next to it was, "Tyra Banks shows the world why she retired from the runway."

I needed to let everyone know what I thought about these headlines, and on The Tyra Banks Show this Thursday, I'll put on the very same swimsuit I was wearing in Australia ... and confront those fat tabloid photos.

As promised, Tyra appeared on her talk show wearing the same swimsuit from those regrettable pictures. She looked svelte and beautiful, if a little too oiled up. Then she got preachy.

"If I had lower self-esteem, I would probably be starving myself right now. That's exactly what is happening to women all over this country," Tyra tearfully declared.

Never mind that entering one's first name along with the word 'fat' into an Internet search engine is hardly the stuff of Betty Friedan.

Tyra then invited naysayers to kiss a part of her anatomy that, while totally acceptable for mention on cable television, would never make it into this space.

Tyra's self-righteous monologue would be more heartrending was it not for her debasing reality television show, America's Next Top Model.

I don't follow Top Model closely, but I usually stick around until the token plus-size girl is eliminated. Activities to which the contestants have been subjected include on-camera bikini waxes, compulsory nude posing (an exercise that reduced some of the young models to tears), and, that favorite method of sorority hazing, public weigh-ins.

While Tyra's underlings usually execute the more humiliating stunts, the self-appointed self-esteem czar herself has occasionally joined the fray.

Blogger Tiffany Stone has diligently plotted Tyra's plea for mercy against her own conduct on Top Model, criticizing models for their weight and even calling one contestant with full eyebrows "Groucho."

No, Tyra Banks isn't fat.

But her professed indignation that she, a beauty contest host, is judged on her looks reveals her to be something worse: a hypocrite.

Contact Christy Reynolds at christyreynoldsddn@yahoo.com.