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Not all zombies are created equal

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By Alexis Larsen, Staff Writer Updated 3:44 PM Monday, October 5, 2009

There are two schools of lumbering zombie camps out there: those who delight in zombies for the gore and destruction and those who enjoy their funnier, softer, crumbling side.

This list of our favorites draws influence from the campier, more light-hearted side of the spectrum. Regardless of which you go with, zombies work in a wide variety of formats — books, movies, music, video games, graphic novels and more. Here are 10 zombies we love from various genres. We’ve ranked each in speed, strength, hunger, ingenuity, determination and scariness on a 1 to 10 scale.

Undead Ed from “Shaun of the Dead”

Genre: Movie

What? Shaun’s best friend Ed in the film “Shaun of the Dead.”

Zombie speed: 1. At the end of the film, Ed’s playing PlayStation chained up next to Shaun. He may be able to walk faster, but this is a zombie that’s clearly unmotivated.

Zombie strength: Questionable, but we’ll go with 2. How much does a lazy zombie want to flex rotting muscle? We’re guessing not very much.

Zombie hunger: Unknown.

Zombie ingenuity: 10. He’s playing PlayStation with his best friend— how many of the undead do you see doing that?

Zombie determination: 1. See “speed of limp.”

Scare factor: 2. It’s important to exercise caution, but it’s hard to run away from something so loveable.

“Half Baked”

Genre: Movie

What? What’s more zombie-like than a true stoner? We have to recognize the uncredited role (“The Guy On The Couch”) played by comedian Steven Wright in “Half Baked.” Wright, who has gained fame for his deadpan delivery of ironic and witty one-liners, had a small, but hilarious role in this Dave Chappelle film. Feel free to substitute the characters played by actors Jim Breuer (Brian) and Harland Williams (Kenny) if you like. Thurgood, played by Chappelle, is far too high functioning to fit into any kind of a zombie category, so leave him out of it.

Zombie speed: 0. He’s the guy on the couch after all.

Zombie strength: 2. But it would be more trouble than it’s worth.

Zombie hunger: 5. The munchies are coming but they’re not craving brains, so worry not.

Zombie ingenuity: 1.

Zombie determination: 0.

Scare factor: The laugh factor’s high, but the scare factor’s 0.

Michael Jackson zombie from “Thriller”

Genre: Music video

What? We know the “King of Pop” loves plastic surgery, speaks like a child and has more strange phobias than a battery of counselors could help with. The zombie we’re specifically thinking of is the guy who starred in the “Thriller” music video directed by John Landis (“An American Werewolf in London”).

Zombie speed: 10. The dance moves by Michael as a zombie may not have seemed as fast, but if he were provoked he could have moved a lot faster. Jackson may be turning 51 on Aug. 29, but if he can dance like we remember, you’d better start running now.

Zombie strength: 1. He may move quickly, but it’s all a show. His strength lies in the bodyguards accompanying him.

Zombie hunger: Hard knowing. He’s always maintained a healthy weight so we’ll guess 5.

Zombie ingenuity: 10. The Jackson 5 came first, followed by best-selling albums like “Off the Wall” (1979), “Thriller” (1982), “Bad” (1987), “Dangerous” (1991) and “HIStory” (1995). Say what you want about him, but there’s no arguing the guy’s got talent.

Zombie determination: 9. Jackson has had more bad press than a zombie outbreak and still has managed to bounce back again and again. If that’s not determination, we don’t know what is.

Scare factor: 10. No explanation needed.

Musical zombies

Genre: Sound

What? Michael Jackson is in a zombie class all of his own. In this case, pick your own musical zombie. We’d go with The Misfits performing “Astro Zombies” or “Braineaters.” If that holds no appeal, maybe try a group that bears the zombie namesake — there’s White Zombie, which sings “I, Zombie,” or Rob Zombie. If those are still too hardcore, you might go with a softer track from the ‘60s group The Zombies or “Zombie” from the Cranberries.

Zombie speed: Depends, but if it’s The Misfits, you’re looking at an 8.

Zombie strength: Varies, see “Speed.”

Zombie hunger: “Braineaters” lyrics go: “Brains for dinner, brains for lunch, brains for breakfast, brains for brunch!” — it doesn’t get much hungrier than that ... 10.

Zombie ingenuity: Varies, see “speed.”

Zombie determination: Zombies and music just plain work (for the most part). On average we’d give it an 8.

Scare factor: Well, seeing as how you’re not actually seeing a zombie in person we’ll go with 1.

“Night of the Living Dead” zombies

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