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Being single not an 'obstacle' to overcome

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By Daryn Kagan, Contributing Writer 7:54 PM Friday, July 29, 2011

“It sure would be nice...” my friend sighed, as we caught up on each other’s lives. She was particularly taken with the addition of my beau, Mr. SummerFest, who I met just over a year ago.

I understand that sigh more than most. It’s the, “How do I possibly get over that side of the being single fence” sigh.

It’s possible many people are hoping, wanting and trying to get over to the coupled side, as if being single is some sort of obstacle to overcome — as if once you’re “over there,” you’re set for life.

As someone who has never married and has spent some good chunks of my adult life uncoupled, I get it. Yes, I’m one of those who has read The New York Times “Vows” section each Sunday. I’ve been in complete awe over the seemingly simple act of a woman finding a man who loves her and who wants to commit to a life with her. It has felt as foreign to me as I imagine my TV news and media career has felt to most folks.

Now, that I am on that other side of the single fence, now that I do have the great guy who wants to commit and make that life, I feel the need to reach back to those still single and assure them that being single is not an obstacle to overcome.

Yes, I love having someone wonderful to share my life with. I just can’t take credit for getting from here to there. It’s not like I lost 100 pounds, finally joined an online dating site or became a blonde. We were casually introduced by mutual friends when we ran into each other at a summer festival. Hence the nickname, Mr. SummerFest.

I can also see that standing on this side of the coupled fence is not necessarily a permanent place. We’d like to think that once you’ve found “The One,” you’re set for life. I know another friend who lost her husband to cancer last month would tell me differently.

Then there are the two friends going through divorces right now. They each had those golden couple kind of marriages that made me feel for years that I was missing out. Turns out one husband was a long-time cheater. My other friend recently confessed that she’d actually been miserable and lonely for years as she and her husband led separate lives.

I’ll enjoy this side of the coupled fence, appreciating that it might not last forever.

Before I met Mr. SummerFest, I had made three lists. One described the man I thought I wanted to meet. One described what we would be like as a couple. The third listed who I would be and what I would be like as my highest self if I were in that dream relationship.

It recently occurred to me that I’m so happy with Mr. SummerFest because I like who I am with him. A funny thing happens when you realize that. The other lists just aren’t as important. It becomes pretty easy to let go of the idea of the package you thought he would show up in.

The punchline is you don’t have to wait for the guy, or the gal for that matter, to show up. The one thing you can control — who you are and how you show up in life — you get to start doing right now.

Turns out the obstacle to overcome isn’t finding the other person. It’s finding your best self.

Daryn Kagan is the creator of DarynKagan.com, an online community that features a webcast of inspirational stories. She is the author of “What’s Possible! 50 True Stories of People Who Dared To Dream They Could Make a Difference.”

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