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Son needs instruction to solve conflicts

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By Gregory Ramey, Ph.D. 4:15 PM Saturday, June 25, 2011

Readers of this column often ask me good questions. Here is a sampling:

Q When should I step in when my 7-year-old son gets in arguments with other kids? I think it’s important for him to learn to resolve these things on his own, but he and most of his friends seem incapable of dealing with any type of disagreement. Should I walk away and let them figure this out by themselves?

A Learning to resolve problems with others is a critical skill that kids don’t learn on their own. Try the following.

First, establish a couple of simple family rules regarding problem solving. Most parents focus on a rule about no hurting or hitting anyone else, and not using bad words or yelling.

Once you have established those guidelines, then teach your child some skills about resolving conflicts. For example, role play how compromise might be used to deal with some difficulty. Have him explain how he might have used this technique in a disagreement he recently had with his friend. As your son is able to apply that skill, teach him other techniques such as good listening skills, identifying alternatives, anticipating consequences, and self-control.

Q My fourth-grader is above average in intelligence, but finished the school year with Bs and several Cs. I don’t want to punish her by sending her to summer school or tutoring. I want her to enjoy her school and feel that learning is interesting and fun. However, her grades are unacceptable and I’m not sure what to do.

A Assuming your daughter has no special learning or emotional problems, her decision to do poorly in school should have some logical consequences. The most reasonable consequence would be for her to study and master the material over the summer that she chose not to learn during the school year. Stop being so focused on making sure that learning is fun and communicate to your daughter that it is her responsibility to get good grades consistent with her ability.

Q Can a 12-year-old be left alone for several hours at a time during the summer? My son is too old for daycare, but I’m also uneasy about leaving him by himself.

A This is a tough question faced by many parents this time of the year, but you’ve already answered your own question. If you are uneasy about leaving your child alone, then it’s best to make other arrangements.

Most 12-year-olds can be left alone for short periods of time, but that depends upon their level of maturity and responsibility. Certainly technology does help, with different ways you can connect to your son throughout the day. Even so, that same technology places your child at risk for getting into all kinds of difficulties.

Based upon your concerns, I would not leave him alone during the summer months for an extended period of time, but rather for a few hours and monitor how he does.

Next week: Why do some kids hate this time of year?

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey.

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