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Our reactions to adversity can shape how others feel

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By Daryn Kagan, Staff Writer 3:06 PM Saturday, May 14, 2011

“The email says, ‘Daryn is not a match for the show.’”

I was reading an email to a friend with news that had come from my TV agent. It was basically a “Don’t call us and we won’t be calling you” response to a recent interview I went on for a potential TV gig.

I saw the disappointment for me in his eyes. Then I saw the pause.

Yes, the pause.

We all do it. When you see something possibly unfortunate happening to someone you care about. You have instant sting, but then you pause, wondering how you should truly react.

It’s what I call, “Looking to the bride.”

This theory goes back about 10 years or so. A producer I worked with at CNN was getting married — or as her family might’ve said, “finally getting married.” Sure she had great career success, traveled the world and had many friends. But the fact that a nice Jewish man had asked for her hand in marriage before her 40th birthday — now THIS was cause for celebration.

No expense was spared for the event held at one of the finest hotels in town. There was such joy in the room as the wedding party strolled down the aisle, followed by various family members.

Here it was — the big moment. The doors closed so as not to have any early bridal reveal, and the bridal processional music was cued.

That’s when it happened.

The hotel’s fire alarm went off. Rather, it went on and on and on. Then off. Then on. Hotel security assured nervous guests over a loud speaker there was no actual fire, they simply couldn’t figure out how to turn the darn thing off.

“Please, carry on with your activities,” the voice encouraged.

With that and a brief pause in the bells, the doors opened and there was the bride. All eyes looked to her. Was she panicked? Distraught? Upset? A mess?

No.

She was beaming, more beautiful than ever. All of us could see that she could appreciate the humor of a wedding and circumstances no one would ever forget. She glowed as she strode down the aisle. No one and nothing was going to keep her from marrying her man.

You could physically feel the tension dissipate from the room. Everyone took their cue from the bride. She was relaxed and happy, so the rest of us would be, too — even as the fire alarm continued to go off throughout the ceremony.

Her family’s longtime rabbi picked up on the mood. “I knew from the time you were a little girl you would set the world on fire,” he winked. “This is taking things a bit too far, don’t you think?”

That’s where I learned that we get the power to set the tone when something happens to us. You don’t get to choose what happens, but you do get to choose to be the person you want to be.

It’s something to keep in mind as you share news that some might see as unfortunate. Remember that they are “watching the bride.”

As for my own news, I already knew what kind of reaction I wanted. Sure I’d like to add a TV gig to my growing media company, and it’s never fun not to get picked.

Yet, I decided to simply play it straight. “I’m not a match for the show,” I said, stating it as fact.

“No, you’re not,” my friend agreed. “Won’t it be fun to see the even better opportunity that is surely on its way?”

Indeed. No need to sound the alarms. Just keep looking forward.

Daryn Kagan is the creator and host of DarynKagan.com, an online community that features a daily webcast of inspirational stories. She is the author of “What’s Possible! 50 True Stories of People Who Dared To Dream They Could Make a Difference.”

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