Parents need to let kids be independent

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By Gregory Ramey, Ph.D. 12:08 PM Sunday, September 18, 2011

Q I recently read that parents should never help their kids with homework. If children are having problems, they should speak with their teachers. I have two children (8 and 13) and I typically spend about two hours every night helping them with their assignments. They are both honor roll students. Am I making a mistake?

A I’ve learned so much from listening to kids and parents about what works in families, and the “law of moderation” seems to hold true in most situations.

Whenever you are confronted with some issue, avoid responding in an extreme manner and things generally turn out okay.

It’s ridiculous advice to suggest that you should never help your child with homework, but it is just as wrong to spend two hours a night on your kids’ assignments. One of the most important jobs we have as parents is to make ourselves unnecessary, so that our kids are empowered to function independently as they enter adulthood. While your kids may be getting good grades, that may be due to your supervision and support.

It’s time for you to back off. Offer them some help if needed.

Q I have a student who is gifted academically but refuses to participate in any after-school activities. She has tried sports and various clubs but says they are boring. Should I make her do it anyway?

A While academic success is important, there is a lot to be learned by participating in sports, clubs, volunteering and similar activities. Kids learn about problem solving, getting along with others, communicating and negotiating. Many times children will form friendships and pursue interests that cannot be readily done in a classroom setting.

It would not be unreasonable for you to require your daughter to participate in at least one activity year round. Encourage her to continue to try new things, and I suspect that eventually something will arouse her passions.

Next week: What determines how your kids turn out – genetics, culture or you?

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