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The naked truth about airline security
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By D.L. Stewart,
Contributing Writer
5:26 PM Tuesday, January 5, 2010
As recent events have shown once again, airline security measures are badly flawed and woefully inadequate. Would-be terrorists are boarding planes willy-nilly with dangerous items in their carryons, their shoes and their underwear.
In the past decade, all sorts of measures have been tried to upgrade aviation security and we still don’t feel all that secure. According to the former director of the Transportation Security Administration, the only way to make the aviation system completely terrorist-proof is to “ground the airplanes.”
I beg to differ. Because the solution, which I first suggested several years ago, is so obvious:
We all need to fly naked.
Taking off our shoes was a step in the right direction. But, for total security, we need to go all the way. No one boards a plane wearing clothing of any kind.
Of course, that still leaves the issue of luggage and carryons, but that’s easily solved, too. Eliminate them. No carryons. Instead of bringing your luggage to the airport, ship it ahead by UPS. The price is about the same as what airlines are charging for luggage these days. And your bags probably will get where you’re going before you do.
For those who worry that sitting naked on a plane filled with other equally-naked persons will somehow cause licentious behavior, let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. Trust me on that. I once visited a nudist camp and, after an afternoon spent mingling with buck-naked persons of all ages and shapes, it took my libido three weeks to recover.
Not only would eliminating clothing for airline passengers severely limit the options terrorists would have for smuggling dangerous items on board, it would result in enormous savings of time and money.
Since the attacks of 9/11, billions of hours have been wasted by passengers in airports and a reported $40 billion has been spent in attempts to upgrade security. More than $20 million of that was spent on “puffer” machines that didn’t puff. We’re paying the salaries of 45,000 “professional screening officers,” some of whom seem to be afflicted with Barney Fife syndrome as they confiscate our bottles of dangerous shampoo.
Security agencies have spent considerable time and effort compiling a database of 550,000 names of suspected terrorists. But a passenger from Nigeria wearing explosives in his underwear still manages to board a plane bound for Detroit even though his name is on the list and his own father warned officials about him.
Flying naked and empty-handed eliminates all these concerns and more. No more security check points. No more waiting endlessly to reach your seat while the bozo in front of you tries to cram a 40-inch suitcase into a 20-inch overhead bin. Boarding could be accomplished in five minutes or less, because naked people probably would be in a hurry to sit down.
So let’s fly the naked skies of United. Disrobe for Delta. Take it off before we take off.
I can barely wait.
Contact D.L. Stewart at dlstew_2000@yahoo.com.
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