Writer left in the cold by technology

Chris Stewart/Dayton Daily News Staff Photogra D.L. Stewart, Dayton Daily News contributing columnist.

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By D.L. Stewart, Staff Writer 11:28 AM Saturday, January 14, 2012

Technology, its advocates insist, exists to make my life easier. But my guess is that technology is just a plot to make me feel even more incompetent than I already do.

The latest technological hoax is a self-programming thermostat. It’s Wi Fi-enabled, with downloadable software updates, YouTube how-to videos and tech support. It can be set by remote control and has a sensor that can determine whether there’s anyone in the room who needs heating or cooling. I’m not sure what it does if there’s one person who needs heating and one who needs cooling.

But for $250, plus $125 for installation, according to the review, I’d never have to adjust the temperature on my thermostat again.

I’m not falling for it.

For one thing, I never adjust the thermostat we already have. I’ve not even sure where to find it. I know it’s somewhere in the hallway, but I’ve never been cold enough in our house to look for it.

Besides, whenever I stumble down the technology highway I get so lost I’d need a GPS to find my way home. If I could figure out how to use my GPS.

To make our lives easier in the kitchen, for instance, we have a high-tech toaster oven and a programmable microwave.

The toaster oven does lots of great things. Making toast is not one of them. Depending upon its mood, it either will produce off-white toast that feels like bread that has been left out on the counter for a week or charcoal briquet toast that is three degrees short of combustion.

The microwave has a defrost feature, but I can’t figure it out. So if I want to defrost a stick of butter, I just touch the cook button and try to guess how long the timer should be set for. If I guess right, the butter gets soft. If I guess wrong, I get yellow soup.

In the family room there’s a programmable DVR that is perfect for recording all but the last two minutes of any football game I want to see.

I have a cellphone that’s too smart for its own good and a new laptop that I probably could learn to love if I’d take the classes my wife keeps suggesting. The classes cost $100 and I can take them for a year. By which time the laptop will be obsolete and I’ll need a new one.

So no matter how wonderful this new thermostat may be, I’m not buying one anytime soon. If it gets too cold in our house, I’ll put on a sweater. If it gets too hot, I’ll take it off.

No tech support required.

Contact D.L. Stewart at dlstew_2000@yahoo.com.

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