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Moving back with parents requires respect, other skills

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By Jim DeBrosse, Staff Writer 11:10 PM Sunday, June 14, 2009

At age 52 and barely a year into her marriage, Karen White never expected to move back home with her mother and housemate. But when both she and her husband Mark, 49, lost their jobs and their home early this year, family became a godsend, and sometimes a hassle.

“I love my mom, and I’m grateful for her doing this,” White said. “But there are times when I wish I could just go away. When things get hectic, I just go to my room and put my head phones on.”

A growing number of families are banding generations together for survival in today’s rough economic times. But when adult children live with adult parents, and sometimes grandchildren and grandparents to boot, families need a whole new set of survival skills just to get along.

“It’s really rough. Living back home has put a crimp in my sons’ lifestyles,” said Dara Woodward, whose two adult sons, ages 29 and 27, have moved back into her Carlisle home. “But it takes four of us now to make ends meet.”

Woodward said her only guideline is that both generations respect each other. “They can come and go as they please, but they need to let me know when they won’t be here. I tell them just respect things in our house, and not bring people home without letting us know.”

After his divorce four years ago, Aaron Sipes, 29, and his two daughters, ages 5 and 11, moved in with his mother, 54-year-old Tobi Sipes of Washington Twp. Sipes, who has her aging mother at home, was happy to have them.

“I can’t afford to live on my own, and my mom can’t handle grandma,” Aaron Sipes said. “You could say it’s a win-win situation.”

Even so, “it gets hectic” with four generations under one roof, Aaron Sipes said. “We argue a little too much. Wintertime is when we all get short-tempered.”

Tobi, who works full-time, said she also gets to be “mother to everybody,” including her 90-year-old mother and two granddaughters, who often call her “Mom.”

“It’s the best situation for everybody, I think — except maybe for me,” Tobi said. “I’m at the age when I should be enjoying my freedom and coming and going as I please. But if my lot in life doesn’t get any worse than that, so what.”

Tim Supinger, 41, of Lebanon discovered that finding a new job doesn’t always bring release from living with your parents. After two years of job hunting, he now works in the stockroom at a Target store, “where I thoroughly enjoy the job and the upward mobility possibilities are very good.” But for now, he has no benefits nor enough income for him and his wife to live on their own.

“I don’t know what I would have done” without his parents’ help, he said. “We’re a pretty close family, and I enjoy having them around. But to be honest, you don’t ever have a break. There’s always somebody here and you don’t have any alone time.”

Cheri Supinger, 65, said her household also is frequently visited by her teenage granddaughter and friends, as well as the granddaughter’s 3-year-old nephew. Her son Tim “has gotten the opportunity to be much closer to his daughter,” she said.

Cheri said she, too, misses her privacy, but that, overall, the extra togetherness has been good for everyone. “It’s what you make of it,” she said. “Dinner time, with just the four adults, is so much fun. We all like to cook and take turns. And we have the patio to go out to in the evening.”

Family closeness takes on a whole new meaning at the home of Will and Teresa Eichelberger of Piqua, where 14 people and three generations have built an uneasy but necessary alliance. Since October of last year, two adult children, their spouses and five small children, plus a sixth child on the way, have moved back into the Eichelberger’s three-bedroom home due to job and housing losses. Other recent additions include a teenage stepdaughter and the homeless friend of a college-age son.

“It’s a good thing my husband has some restaurant experience and can cook in bulk,” said Teresa Eichelberger, 45. She and husband Will, 44, deliver newspapers for the Dayton Daily News.

“The biggest challenge is having enough food,” Will said. “We have an almost $1,000 a month food bill.”

Will quips good-naturedly about the family’s living arrangement, but there’s an edge to his humor. “Here’s my hiding place, my little hole-in-the-wall,” he said while showing the bedroom he shares with his wife. “If I had a hotplate and a little refrigerator, I would never have to leave this room.”

Teresa is the law in the household and, family members agree, the glue that keeps the place from fragmenting into chaos. Even so, some of mom’s rules are hard to live by, the adult children say.

“Mom is a neat freak,” said her 26-year-old daughter, Angie Penny. “It’s not something her two oldest children took to.”

Teresa insists that having three generations together “actually has been an enjoyment. Yes, I’ve got an attitude. Everybody’s got an attitude. But for the most part, it’s fun. I get to have all my grandbabies here.”

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Tips for getting along

Moving back home with parents can be both a painful necessity and an opportunity for family growth, experts say.

Elinore Ginzler and Jean Setzfand, managers for the American Association of Retired People, offer these tips for how multigenerational families can get the most from living under one roof.

• Prepare your home. Convert rooms, closets to create more space and greater privacy. Add needed phone outlets and computer hookups. Fix up that old bathroom in the basement, or add a shower or toilet.

• Prepare your family. Set guidelines ahead of time for sharing costs, household chores and care-giving duties.

• Have regular family meetings. Get disputes out in the open and arrive at joint solutions. Don’t let grievances fester.

• Respect each others’ lifestyles. Adult children don’t need curfews, but parents may need early bedtime hours and quiet.

• Don’t mooch. Adult children should contribute what they can to household costs. What belongs to your parents doesn’t belong to you.

• Get into a groove. Schedules for bathroom use, kitchen duty, bed and meal times can ease congestion and stress.

• Have fun. You may never have this chance for family closeness again. Plan game nights and family outings as well as time apart.

• Preserve memories. Now’s the time to interview Mom and Dad about the old days, create family scrapbooks and research family geneology.

• Prepare for the future. Adult children should use their time back home to build up an emergency fund should they lose their jobs again.

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Those are some great tips from AARP -- there are more tips about communication, planning, and budgeting available at http://www.adultchildrenlivingathom...

Christina
12:43 PM, 6/15/2009

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