Military families face tough separation at holidays

Service members say it’s tougher for relatives back at home.

Contributed photo The Couse Family: (left to right) David, Benjamin and Jenny.

Contributed photo The Oakley Family: Back row Mark and Mary Front row: Casey (7) Savannah (6) Gavin Oakley (9) and Chloe (4)

Contributed photo Two-year-old Lauren Mauro clutches her Daddy Doll. Her father, Robert, grew up in Kettering and is stationed in Afghanistan.

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By Meredith Moss, Staff Writer Updated 12:04 PM Sunday, December 25, 2011

When she’s asked what’s hard about having a loved one deployed during the holidays, Mary Oakley bursts into tears.

“What’s not hard?” responds the Kettering mother of four. “There a void there, it’s just not the same. And the kids miss him like crazy. My four-year-old said she wishes her daddy would just quit for the holidays.”

Like thousands of military families throughout the nation, the Oakleys are separated this Christmas.

“Even though the war in Iraq has ended, thousands of military families are still apart this Christmas,” said Jacey Eckhart, a military life consultant and author of “The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman’s Guide to Raising a Military Family.”

Eckhart, whose husband is in the Navy, lives in Washington, D.C., and is a Carroll High School graduate.

James Tyus of the Wright-Patterson Air Force Base Airmen and Family Readiness Center, estimates that roughly 325 men and women from the base are now deployed.

“They’re serving in Afghanistan, Germany, Honduras or are throughout the United States for training,” he said.

That’s the case for Mark Oakley, serving in the Army National Guard. He’s currently training in Mississippi and will then head for Afghanistan. He’ll be away through next November.

“What I miss most this past and present holiday season is my family and friends,” he writes in an email. “The real sacrifice, however, is that which our families endure in our absence.”

His wife and their four children are spending Christmas Day with Mary’s parents; she doesn’t want to stay home.

“It’s easier there because it’s not our house where we’d feel someone’s missing,” she said. “Being with other people helps.”

That’s the rationale behind last week’s holiday dinner hosted at the base for 40 families of deployed members. Mary Oakley said it helped to be with others who understand what they are going through.

Skype, email a big help

For Linda Mauro of Kettering, putting up the little Christmas village is a family tradition that was bittersweet this year. Her son, Rob, is at Camp Leatherneck in Afghanistan, and had always helped her with the village.

“It’s never the same unless you’re all together,” she said. “I always take a picture and send it.”

A Cobra Helicopter pilot with Marine Light Attack, Mauro will be deployed until May 2012. It’s his third seven-month deployment in the last four years.

“What has remained constant throughout these deployments is the constant communication with my wife and my family,” he wrote via email. “That is one thing that helps me feel connected during the deployment, especially during the holidays.”

For the Mauros and others, technology has helped ease the pain of separation. In addition to the traditional holiday care packages and phone calls, families are reaching out to one another through Skype, Facebook video-chatting and emails.

Rob’s wife, Mandy, has held back Christmas gifts that her husband selected for their 2-year-old daughter, Lauren.

“When we get a chance to Skype, she’ll get to open those with him on the computer and he’ll get to see her get excited.”

Mandy said the separation makes her cherish the rest of their family more.

“I keep connected to my husband by being so connected with his family, and spending part of the holiday season with them,” says Mandy, who lives in California near Camp Pendleton but is now in Ohio visiting family. “It keeps us all together and keeps our spirits up and as much as it tears him apart that he’s missing it, he loves that we’re all together.”

Her husband emailed to say it helps to be busy and focused on his mission.

“Being away during the holidays is hard,” he wrote, “but I really try not to think about it.”

Mandy relies on other military wives to get her through the hard times.

She’s determined to make the holidays joyful for Lauren.

“It’s Christmas, and even though her dad isn’t here it still needs to be a magical time,” she said.

Support from groups, neighbors

Jenny Couse of Enon said it’s the first time her son, Ben, hasn’t been with the family for Thanksgiving and Christmas. He joined the Marines in 2010 and is serving in Afghanistan.

Couse, who served in the Air Force and is now in the Air Force Reserve, said the only thing she and her husband can do from afar is to boost her son’s morale by making certain he feels loved. “He said it is so cold there so it is hard, especially at night,” she said. “I’ve been sending care packages — warm clothes, socks, and gloves — but we had to resend the stuff because it got stuck in Pakistan.”

Recently she’s become involved with the Blue Star Mothers organization and said that group of mothers has really helped her cope. Last week she learned from her son that he had received packages from two Fairborn churches.

“It was really comforting and heartwarming to know that people from churches care about our deployed troops and sent a package to my son even though they do not know him,” Couse said. “We’re praying that he comes home safe and praying that he will be at some place warm, and a place where he can call us so we can talk to him on Christmas Day.”

Eckhart said the first time a Christmas deployment happens, military spouses sneak off to the kitchen and cry all day.

“But the second time you learn that you to actively put yourself on the right side of the holidays,” she said. “It really helps to keep in mind that you are taking your turn at the tip of the spear this year. In military life, we all take our turn.”

Contact this reporter at (937) 225-2440 or MMoss@DaytonDailyNews.com.

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