What are the rules for parents on Facebook?

Most moms and dads say they get closer to their teens through judicial use of Facebook

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Facebook parents may drive kids crazy

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By Jim DeBrosse, Staff Writer Updated 9:57 PM Saturday, November 14, 2009

Just a few short years ago, college students and teenagers had Facebook all to themselves.

But those carefree days of yore, when Facebook pages could read like an inside joke among youthful peers, are quickly disappearing now that users over the age of 35 — including parents — have become the social network’s fastest growing segment.

“Now that Facebook has become the principal social network (for all age groups), the question becomes how much information do you truly want to share?” said Art Jipson, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Dayton.

For many young Facebook users (13 is the minimum age requirement), not friending Mom or Dad is not an option. Parents say their child’s safety and reputation trump any claim to privacy.

“I told my kids you can’t sign up (on Facebook) unless you friend me,” said Jeanie Heyd of Kettering. Now, whenever the two teenagers update their status with comments on their home page, “I can see the kinds of things that are on their minds,” she said.

“I have to admit that I initially joined Facebook to better connect with (snoop on?) my daughter, who is 14,” Kettering resident Colleen Lampton-Brill wrote in an e-mail to the Dayton Daily News.

But is snooping really snooping if it’s a way for parents to learn what’s going on with their closed-mouth teens?

Lampton-Brill cited a recent status update her daughter posted on Facebook — the single word “frustrated” — that led to some gentle maternal prying.

Jim Fitch of Fairborn says Facebook friendship has brought him closer to his 19-year-old son. “You know how it is with teenagers — ask them what they did today and the answer is always, ‘Oh nothing.’ But then they might go to Facebook and write freely about what they’ve been doing and what’s on their mind.”

David Slivken, a local librarian and “a strong advocate for confidentiality and free speech,” admits he monitors the Facebook pages of his five children — the youngest in high school — for inappropriate content. But “I only intrude when I think it may be a teachable moment,” he said. “If I raise a stink, they will banish me and what have I gained? — nothing except distrust.”

Lisa Nussman of Englewood said “trust” is the key word in her decision not to friend her high-school-age daughter and college-age son. “To me, it would be like reading a diary. I don’t feel I have that right.”

Not that respecting her children’s online privacy has been easy for Nussbaum. “Trust me — curiosity is killing the cat,” she said.

More than losing their privacy, young users of Facebook perhaps fear even more that Mom or Dad will embarrass them with a comment seen by all their peer-age friends.

The Web site Oh Crap, My Parents Joined Facebook (myparentsjoinedfacebook.com) is full of humorous, and instructive, real-life examples sent in by teens and college students, including nagging wall posts to call their mothers, unsolicited matchmaking help and embarrassing birthday details.

Parents might be wise to follow the advice of Terri Weiss of Centerville.

“I don’t expect my younger relatives to call me by name, and I do not embarrass them by commenting on everything they write,” she wrote in an e-mail. “I just message them (privately) if I’m concerned about something said. ... It sure keeps me more involved in their lives than I would be otherwise.”

Fitch said he never posts comments on his son’s Facebook page. “I don’t want to interfere with his social life. His friends would think, what’s his dad doing on here?”

But at the same time, he would tell his son if he felt something should be deleted from his Facebook page.

Amy Wallace’s 16-year-old daughter posted her recent minor car accident before Wallace could tell others in the family. “My father-in-law who was vacationing in California read about the accident even before we thought to notify him,” she wrote in an e-mail. “I told my daughter she shouldn’t have posted that.”

Facebook “has made the world a smaller place,” especially for families, said 33-year-old Amy Primeau of Middletown. “My mom is not on Facebook, but I try to remember that anything I post could easily get back to her.”

Contact this reporter at (937) 225-2437 or jdebrosse@Dayton DailyNews.com.

Do’s and Don’ts for Facebook Parents

Want to build a good Facebook relationship with your children? Then don’t mortify them in front of their Facebook peers. Here are some suggestions from Hearts at Home, a Christian-based Web site for mothers (www.hearts-at-home.org):

Do wait for your child to send you a friend request. Or at least avoid hurt feelings by talking to them about what they would think about friending you.

Don’t send friend requests to your child’s friends unless they know you.

Do think twice before posting a comment on your child’s wall. Wishing them a happy birthday is kind, but using sensitive childhood nicknames or revealing personal details could make both of you look silly.

Do use discretion in managing your own profile and posting pictures of your child. Try to see your family photos as outsiders would see them.

Don’t use Facebook for what should be private conversations. If your child has just gone through a break-up, their Facebook wall is not the place to express your sympathy.