FERGIE, JOSH DUHAMEL EXPECTING FIRST CHILD: Fergie is knitting a little pair of platform boots.

YOKO ONO TURNS 80, PERFORMS IN BERLIN: Fans blame her for breaking up East and West Germany.

DANICA PATRICK BECOMES FIRST WOMAN TO WIN POLE POSITION AT TOP NASCAR EVENT: Pit crew eagerly awaits her arrival with stacks of one-dollar bills.

“SURVIVOR” COUPLE ETHAN ZOHN, JENNA MORASCA BREAK UP: Curse you, Yoko!

MARIAH CAREY LAUNCHES “FEEL GOOD” TRACK: It’s called: “Die, Nicki Minaj, Die!”

KATY PERRY NOT ENGAGED TO JOHN MAYER DESPITE NEW RING: He refused to share the Cracker Jack.

“TITANIC” FANS TARGETED FOR TRIPS ON REPLICA OF HISTORIC CRUISE LINER: Workers finish painting over boat’s previous name, “Triumph.”

ALEC BALDWIN DENIES USING RACIAL SLUR AGAINST PHOTOGRAPHER: He said Tracy Morgan says it all the time.

“CELEBRITY REHAB” UNDER FIRE AFTER FIVE PARTICIPANT DEATHS: Producers change the title to “Final Destination 6.”

PRINCE MICHAEL JACKSON NAMED “ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT” CORRESPONDENT: He’ll file reports while hanging over a balcony.

BURGER KING APOLOGIZES FOR TWITTER HACKING: Meanwhile, whinnying sounds heard in cooler.

MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY LAUNCHES CLOTHING LINE: Where are the shirts?

BEYONCE’S DAUGHTER, BLUE IVY, IS A BRAINIAC: Bad news for Superman.

MUSIC BUSINESS LEGEND CLIVE DAVIS COMES OUT AS BISEXUAL: He likes rhythm and blues.

STAPLES CENTER TO GO MEAT-FREE FOR MORRISSEY: No changes planned for their hot dogs.

LADY GAGA INTRODUCES HER WHEELCHAIR: Her new album is called, “Timmy!”

— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, TERRY MORRIS