It is officially the season to lie to ourselves, now that the New Year is approaching.

The ‘lies’ that are vocalized this season aren’t called ‘lies,’ of course.

We call them resolutions because we are either delusional or hopeful.

Nearly half of Americans make New Year resolutions to slim down, stop smoking, spend more time with loved ones or otherwise be a better person, according to a 2002 study led by John Norcross, a psychology professor at the University of Scranton in Pennsylvania.

About 46 percent of resolvers keep it up for six months, the study found. Only about 19 percent of people keep resolutions for two years.

No matter how resolved I am at the beginning of the year, I’d do the opposite.

I’d pork up if the resolution was to lose chunk.

I’d miss graduations, birthdays and anniversaries if my resolution was to spend more time with my family.

If my intention is to zig left, I’d spend most of my time hopping on my right leg or spinning in a circle.

This is why I am resolving to ‘reverse psychology’ this year in order to get what I think I want.

No more of this straightforwardness for me, thank you very much.

When the clock strikes midnight Tuesday, I will resolve the following:

Gain as much weight as I possibly can

There are a lot of ways to do this, but I plan to go the cheese, hard liquor and bacon dunked in lard route. I will join the pecan pie of the month club if there is such a thing (I’m sure there is, as there seems to be an organization for nearly everything).

Exercise less

I will not dance. I will not twirl. I will not tap my feet. I will duct tape my arms to either side of my body so as not to mistakenly burn a calorie.

Ignore my car’s little warns

I will pretend not to notice when my waggon makes a knock. Beeps and illuminated dashboard lights will simply be considered a backdrop to the story of my life.

Alienate my friends and family members

I will not return calls, text or send Facebook messages. If I see friends and relatives on the street, I will turn and run the other way.

Be a reckless driver

This year I shall bake a cake from behind the wheel.

Marathon “2 Broke Girls”

Figure out why this show is on TV and why millions tune in each week.

Say ‘um’ more often.

Um, I um, plan to say ‘um’ more, um, often in, um, 2013 cuz, um, I don’t say it, um, enough.

Don’t win the lottery

I am absolutely not going to win the Powerball and Mega Millions in the same week and go into hiding.

Frown

I will not smile, laugh or cackle at appropriate or inappropriate things in the coming year.

Care less about other humans

2013 will be the year of ‘me.’ I will be more selfish and self-indulgent. The world has not seen how into me I can be.

What do you think? What s your ‘reverse psychology’ resolution? What you Tweet it to us.

Contact this columnist at arobinson@DaytonDailyNews.com or Twitter.com/DDNSmartMouth.

Keep sending me those cats in a box pictures. I plan to use them in the coming year.