DaytonDailyNews.com

A sports-hungry nation still was digesting the thrills of the national hot dog eating championship when ESPN2 followed up with the America's newest test of athletic competition:

Rock, paper, scissors. As in, "There's only one slice of pizza left. Let's do rock, paper, scissors to see who gets it."

On Saturday, the "sports" network aired the USA Rock, Paper, Scissors League Championship, which had been taped earlier at a casino in Las Vegas. Some of the 298 contestants made pro rassling-style entrances, complete with "posses" and "ring girls." One wore a robe and oven mitts. Las Vegas bookies accepted bets on the results. Astute followers of the game put their money on longshot Texan Jamie Langridge, who defeated David Borne with a devastating "paper" in the final smackdown to win $50,000. Borne, fortunately suffered no injuries.

And ESPN 2 showed it all. In prime time.

Whether all of that was sport or merely further evidence that America has way too many television networks depends largely upon your definition of "sport."

Under my definition, it's not a sport unless it involves a ball, running, skating, refusing to testify about the use of banned substances or any combination of the four. This obviously would outrage the millions of auto racing fans who drive hundreds of miles to watch other people drive hundreds of miles, but I don't care because I've always believed that it's not a real sport if you can do it sitting down. Unless it's wheelchair basketball.

But my definition would, unavoidably, include golf, bowling and bocce ball, none of which are real sports but merely excuses to drink beer and/or wine. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And any event in which scores are given for "style," especially by foreign judges, would be eliminated. If you're looking for style, go to a boutique and buy something by Georgio Armani.

At the very least, I think a sport should involve some degree of physical superiority, which is the way I differentiate between "sports" and "games." Football is a sport. Poker is a game. If they're going to televise poker on a sports network, why aren't they televising Monopoly, Clue and Candyland?

Basketball is a sport. Eating 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes is a freak show.

Hockey is a sport. A spelling bee is, uh, a spelling bee.

The athletic challenges for rock paper, scissors are more demanding than coin flipping, but not quite as strenuous as tic-tac-toe. Or, as the offical USARPS League Web site puts it: "Too short for the NBA? Too scrawny for the NFL? Too drunk for the PGA? Forget them. The USARPS League welcomes you with open fists."

Which is not to say that there aren't physical requirements. You need, for instance, to have fingers. Otherwise the game would simply be known as "Rock," and every game would end in a tie.

But if rock, paper, scissors is a sport, so is "I Spy," although that wouldn't make a very exciting tournament. All the first contestant would have to do is say "I spy something ecru," and he would win, because nobody knows what color ecru is.

Then again, maybe I'm confused about all this and the "S" in ESPN doesn't stand for "sports" at all.

Maybe it just stands for "silly."

Contact this writer at (937) 225-2439 or at dlstewart@Dayton DailyNews.com.