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Stone-age stupidity reigns in ‘10,000 B.C.’
Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 B.C. obviously wants to be this year’s 300. Unfortunately, this colossally stupid movie rates closer to a 0.
Some may say that calling one of Emmerich’s movies stupid is rather like criticizing water for being wet. Touche. Still, Emmerich’s movies are two different kinds of stupid. There are stupid fun movies like Independence Day, and stupid stupid movies like this one.
Thanks to 10,000 B.C., I now know how Apocalypto would have turned out if Mel Gibson had gotten a lobotomy. Or, to put it in its proper context, 10,000 B.C. reminds me of one of Emmerich’s other stupid stupid movies, Stargate, only without the cool stargate effect and played at an even slower speed. By the time the credits rolled, I was convinced the 10,000 referred not only to the title, but to the running time. In hours.
The story, such as it is, centers around a caveman named D’Leh (Steven Strait). No, scratch that. Since I am determined to get some fun out of this junk, I’m going to make like a Mad magazine satire and call the guy B’leh.
OK, so B’leh and his cavewoman babe Evolet — no, wait, I’ll call her Noraquelwelch (Camilla Belle) — totally love each other, right? Except this band of ultra cavemen come and kidnap Noraquelwelch. B’leh wants to go after her but he has a bad reputation because his dad was a wuss and all. But B’leh wants to prove he’s not a wuss, so he vows to go the enemy camp in Egypt, scream “Let my woman go,” start a plague of locusts, beat his chest and then live happily ever after.
Or something to that effect. I’m not sure, I may be mixing up my ancient history epics. The movie lost me early, and I had a hard time paying attention. And that’s really the fatal misstep of 10,000 B.C. It wants to be a turn-your-brain-off movie, but there’s not even that much for the eyes to enjoy. It’s slow and boring.
I might have been able to endure all the goofiness about B’leh and Noraquelwelch if the movie had some decent action scenes, which Emmerich has been able to pull off in the past. However, with the exception of a couple of cool effects shots and some unintentionally (I think) funny moments, the movie is absolutely lifeless. It just sits there like … well, like a caveman who hasn’t invented the wheel yet.
Only two scenes stand out in my memory at all. One of them involves B’leh fighting off a big digital saber-toothed tiger that looks like a beefier version of the beast in those ubiquitous legal ads all over Dayton TV. Not only does the tiger look ridiculous, but B’leh actually tells it, “If I free you, do not eat me.” I’ll try that the next time I trap a bear in the woods and see where it gets me.
The other scene was a cool overhead shot of the pyramids being built, but even that felt secondhand because after all, Cecil B. DeMille was doing this kind of stuff 50 years ago without the help of computers. At least DeMille knew how to make empty-headed spectacle consistently entertaining, a talent Emmerich does not share.
I can’t believe I’m about to type this, but 10,000 B.C. would have been better if Michael Bay had directed it. I might have come out of the movie with a giant headache, but I wouldn’t have been bored out of my mind. If Bay could get Ringo Starr to revive his Caveman role, or maybe if he wanted to make a live action version of the Captain Caveman cartoons, then we might have something.
Hey, it’s either that or those cavemen from the Geico commercials. Believe me, any one of them would be preferable to 10,000 B.C.
GRADE: D- (Or B’leh)
Permalink | Comments (7) | Categories: Reviews
Comments
By lawabider
March 9, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this
Could you see R’ah from Stargate making them build the pyramid from the overhead shot?By ron
March 8, 2008 5:13 PM | Link to this
Michael Bay will send you a Christmas card… I think reading yr review was probably more fun than watching the movie would be…By Calumet
March 8, 2008 11:20 AM | Link to this
Am I mistaken or weren’t the pyramids built, like, 3000 BC? Much later than the movie portrays. There were people all over the world in 10,000 including Native Americans in Ohio. The movie is grossly inaccurate even for an evolution based premise.By Markie
March 8, 2008 11:05 AM | Link to this
I should have known better. CGI seems to be replacing good story lines more often these days. Instead of the golden age of film, it’s more like the virtual age. You can only look at it, but there’s nothing substantial about it at all.By Allie D.
March 7, 2008 2:46 PM | Link to this
You know, when I saw the trailer for this movie, I was envisioning a review for it exactly like this one, only not written by me because I don’t think they could have paid me enough to sit through it. Emmerich is really one of my least-favorite directors. The fact that they were using INdependence Day and The Day After Tomorrow to sell this thing was like using a person with acid burns on their hands to sell dish soap. lolBy SRCputt
March 7, 2008 12:05 PM | Link to this
And this the day after Joel is booted from Suvivor. Many TWOP posters were referring to Joel as “Unfrozen Caveman Survivor”.By Brother Phil
March 7, 2008 10:32 AM | Link to this
Does this mean that you did’t like or aren’t willing to recommend this movie?