D.L. Stewart: Some television ‘golden’ oldies are merely moldy

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This may cause me to be castigated as a traitor to my generation and possibly result in my AARP card being revoked, but I have a confession to make.

I don’t love Lucy. I’m not sure I ever did.

Normally I’m not brave enough to publicly admit something that personal, so perhaps I got some ’splainin’ to do.

My courage was bolstered by a column in last Monday’s New York Times in which the critic lamented the glut of vintage TV shows being recycled by various media outlets. Those old shows, he declared, weren’t really “as good as memory makes it seem.” He singled out programs from the so-called Golden Age of Television such as “I Love Lucy,” “The Honeymooners” and “The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis” as nostalgia trips he’d rather not take.

“I’d rather rip out my eyeballs,” he declared.

Which may be a bit of hyperbole. If it came to a choice between their eyeballs and watching Lucy stuff candy from the conveyor belt into the top of her uniform, most people would opt to keep at least one of their eyeballs.

But I agree that a lot of old shows from the ’50s and ’60s deserve to rest in peace.

To be fair, there was some good stuff back in the days of three-network television, and there are some old shows I’d watch again. “The Dick Van Dyke Show,” for instance. But then I’ve always had the hots for Mary Tyler Moore and I’d probably enjoy watching her if all she did was stand in front of the camera and read obituaries.

But did we ever really think “Leave it to Beaver” was even a little bit funny? Did we actually laugh out loud at “Ozzie and Harriet?” Sure, we still can sing the lyrics from “The Beverly Hillbillies,” but how often did we hear Jethro tell Granny about the “cee-ment pond” before it got tedious? And the only two reasons I can think of for watching “Gilligan’s Island” were Ginger and Mary Ann.

Which is not to say that today’s TV menu is all that appetizing.

For reasons beyond my understanding, the most popular network comedy of the past few years has been “The Big Bang Theory.” I think it’s a 30-minute laugh track in search of a script; every time a character pauses between lines, somebody in the control booth hits the button.

“I went to the grocery store” … (pause for canned laughter) — “I bought some jumbo shrimp” … (pause for louder canned laughter) … “They weren’t very large” … (pause for hysterical canned laughter).

I’d rather rip out my ear drums.

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