D.L. Stewart web exclusive: Pizza and a breakdown in 180 seconds

Contact this writer at dlstew_2000@yahoo.com.

The good news is that more pizza is coming to Dayton; There’s one Rapid Fired Pizza place already here and two more on the way. The bad news is that I’ll probably never work up the courage to eat at any of them.

Because, as I understand it, the rapidly fired pizzas are constructed in 180 seconds, in the currently popular Chipotle-style of casual dining, which means an assembly line of cheerful servers custom-preparing your order based on the choices you make as you move along in front of the counter. And while I’m all in favor of cheerful servers and custom-prepared orders, it’s the moving along part that worries me.

Not only am I among the world’s slowest eaters, I may be its slowest decider. When my wife and I go out for dinner, we get to the restaurant by 6:30 in hopes that I’ll be able to decide what to order by 8:15.

I can’t stand the pressure of sitting in my car in front of the drive-thru menu at Burger Doodle, trying to decide whether I want fries with that, when there’s a line of SUVs behind me, all loaded with whining children and parents muttering, “Hurry up, idiot, make a decision.”

Going inside the restaurant is no better because, as I’m trying to decide between black beans or pinto beans, roasted chili-corn, tomatillo-green chili or tomatillo-red chili, there’ll be a gang of whining children in line behind me, with parents muttering,”Oh my god, it’s that same idiot who was in the car ahead of us yesterday at Burger Doodle.”

For something as important as pizza, it could take even longer. According to Rapid-Fired Pizza's website, I'd have to choose from:

• 35 fresh toppings

• A dozen different sauces

• 24 craft beers

• 4 craft salads

• 120 Pepsi Spire flavor combinations.

That’s 195 decisions. And even if I could choose one of the 35 fresh toppings, somewhere on the list of 24 craft beers (probably between Jackie O’s Mystic Mama IPA and Fat Head Bumble Berry), I’m pretty sure I’d have a nervous breakdown.

So perhaps it’s better for all concerned if I just stick to going online and ordering my pizza with my usual pepperoni and Italian sausage. Or, maybe, onions and mushrooms. Then again, I might go with …

About the Author