J.K. ROWLING SPEAKS OUT AGAINST SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE ON TWITTER: Mel Gibson rallies his army, stocks up on blue paint.
GENE SIMMONS SAYS “ROCK IS FINALLY DEAD”: Adds, “Lord knows I’ve been trying to kill it for years.”
“BILL MURRAY DAY” CELEBRATED AT TORONTO FILM FESTIVAL: He wakes up to find out it’s Bill Murray Day again.
EMINEM SETS GUINNESS RECORD FOR MOST WORDS IN A SONG: Unfortunately, we can’t print any of them.
GEORGE CLOONEY REVEALS WEDDING DETAILS: He plans to be dragged down the aisle kicking and screaming.
FRAN DRESCHER MARRIES CREATOR OF EMAIL: Wait until he hears her “LOL.”
MILEY CYRUS WEARS PASTIES TO A PARTY: Actually, she was topless until she fell into the pepperoni pizza.
NBA OWNER TO SELL TEAM AFTER CONTROVERSIAL EMAIL: Curses Fran Drescher’s new husband.
ROBERT KIRKMAN KNOWS “EXACTLY” HOW “WALKING DEAD” COMIC WILL END: Last panel word balloon: “Where’s Carl?”
MEL BROOKS WEARS EXTRA FINGER FOR CHINESE THEATER HANDPRINT: Asks attendees to pull other finger.
TIVO TO UNVEIL DVR WITH 26,000 HOURS OF STORAGE SPACE: Ahead of the next Ken Burns documentary.
SOFIA VERGARA’S EX, NICK LOEB, SAYS HE WANTS A “CLASSIER” GIRL: You know, one who won’t diss an ex publicly.
“MARRIED WITH CHILDREN” CAST REUNITES: Ed, Katey, Christina talk about their other jobs. David twittles thumbs.
RAY RICE TO BE REMOVED FROM “MADDEN NFL 15”: Added to “Grand Theft Auto.”
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, KYLE NAGEL
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