TOM CRUISE’S NEIGHBOR TASERED FOR TRESPASSING: Next time the kid will just buy a new Frisbee.
USHER’S NEW PUPPY COST $12,000: He had it gold plated.
SALMA HAYEK WEARS $1 MILLION EARRINGS: Still can’t distract us from her cleavage.
IRAN’S NATIONAL ORCHESTRA DISBANDED: Mahmoud Ahmaddinejad only wants to hear “Gangnam Style.”
STEVE JOBS’ SECRET YACHT REVEALED: It was adrift in his bathtub.
PENGUIN AND RANDOM HOUSE MERGE BOOK UNITS TO FORM PUBLISHING GIANT: Batman suspects fowl play.
SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS SWEEP WORLD SERIES: Detroit fans torch a couple buses anyway.
DISNEY BUYS LUCASFILM, PLANS NEW “STAR WARS” MOVIE: Spoiler Alert! Buzz Lightyear has a cameo.
ROLLING STONES MEMORABILIA AUCTIONED AFTER RONNIE WOOD’S DIVORCE: Rare recipe for Goat’s Head Soup among the items.
M.I.T. SCIENTIST SAYS PAINTBALLS COULD SAVE THE EARTH FROM ASTEROIDS: They plan to shoot them out of little spinning triangles.
TEXAS MOM BREAKS WORLD RECORD BY DONATING ALMOST 87 GALLONS OF BREAST MILK: Neighbors complain about all-night procession of tanker trucks.
GREEN DAY CANCELS REMAINING 2012 CONCERTS FOR “BILLIE JOE’S WELL-BEING”: He was seen in the vicinity of the Tallahatchie Bridge.
TOM HANKS’ $100 MILLION “CLOUD ATLAS” FLOPS: Audiences already felt burned by the Apple Maps fiasco.
WILL FERRELL RUNS ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HALLOWEEN HALF-MARATHON: The other runners were annoyed by the clanging cowbell.
OCTOMOM CHECKS INTO REHAB FOR DRUG PROBLEM: Actually, she just wanted 28 days away from all those kids.
PAUL McCARTNEY SAYS YOKO ONO DIDN’T BREAK UP THE BEATLES: It was Ringo constantly asking them to “pull my finger.”
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, TERRY MORRIS
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