DANE COOK ANNOUNCES NEW “UNDER OATH’ TOUR: Swears he actually will be funny.
“BIG BROTHER” FINALLY EXPOSES RACIST HOUSEGUEST: Paula Deen was in the pantry.
NIGELLA LAWSON’S HUSBAND ANNOUNCES DIVORCE IN U.K. NEWSPAPER: Nigella found out while wrapping fish.
JOHN MAYER DEDICATES LOVE SONG TO KATY PERRY: He sang “Brick House.”
ELIOT SPITZER RE-ENTERING POLITICS FOLLOWING TV CAREER: His campaign slogan is “At least I didn’t tweet my junk.”
DISNEY’S “LONE RANGER” COULD LEAD TO $150 MILLION LOSS: Accountants shout: “Hi-ho, Silver. Away!”
BRITAIN LAUNCHES SEARCH FOR EXTRATERRESTRIAL LIFE: In hopes of explaining Prince Charles.
LANCE ARMSTRONG RETURNING TO CYCLING SIX MONTHS AFTER DOPING CONFESSION: He said it would be “like riding a bike.”
GEORGE CLOONEY, STACY KEIBLER CALL IT QUITS: She gets custody of the elf tree.
LAURYN HILL STARTS PRISON SENTENCE FOR TAX EVASION: Blames her miseducation.
MARIAH CAREY HOSPITALIZED FOR SHOULDER INJURY: Her bra exploded.
ELTON JOHN HAS APPENDICITIS, POSTPONES SUMMER TOUR: Madonna laughs, sticks another pin in her Elton doll.
KRISTEN STEWART’S CAR VANDALIZED WITH “I LOVE ROB” MESSAGE: Robert Pattinson looks away, whistles nonchalantly.
BON JOVI GIVES $1 MILLION TO SUPERSTORM SANDY AID: Most of it is earmarked for hair gel.
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, TERRY MORRIS
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