The closest I came to playing with Joe was raiding my brother’s “action figure” collection for men to come between Barbie and Ken.
I don’t get it, but a lot of people — mainly the male sort — like Joe a whole bunch. They are very excited about “GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra,” opening Friday, Aug. 7, in theaters. The film finds its roots in the toy released in 1964 and relaunched in 1982. The hugely popular action figures also inspire a comic book, video games, tons of merchandise, as well as a popular ’80s cartoon.
“G.I. Joe” is the latest 1980s cartoon to find its way to the big screen. Move over “Transformers,” back off “He-Man” and cease and desist “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” — the G.I. Joe movie is sure to be king of the formerly-a-cartoon movie genre. This is all good news for Gen. Hawk, Snake Eyes and Ripcord.
But what of the other ’80s cartoon characters deserve a chance to shine in Hollywood?
I put on my “Schoolhouse Rock” thinking cap and generated a dream list of cartoons that should — if Hollywood has a brain — become live-action feature films one of these days.
Here are the top five:
JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS
There are crimes against nature, and then there are crimes against nature. It is a shameful shame that Jerrica Benton, the young, do-gooder heiress who secretly rocks out as Jem, complete with band The Holograms, doesn’t have her own trilogy of stellarness.
The cartoon (1985-88) and toy line included a rival group, The Misfits, and everything else that made the ’80s radical — cartoon celebrities with big neon hair, zebra print outfits, glamour and glitter, fashion and fame. In six words, Gem was “truly, truly, truly outrageous.”
Cast: Don’t know who is actress enough to play Jem, but please hide the script from Miley Cyrus. The “Hannah Montana” star already had her chance to play a rocker with a secret life. She’s a little old, but someone like Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Judith Tanner on TV’s “Full House”) deserves a shot at wearing feminine Alice Cooper-like makeup and a pinkish-blonde wig. Susan Sarandon should star as Synergy. She’d look totally awesome in a headband.
THE CALIFORNIA RAISINS
It is time to bring Bill Vinton’s claymation singing sensations to life. The commercial turned cartoon could become a movie. It could easily be one of those “message” movies. The C.R.s could tour the country singing and raising awareness about the struggles facing raisin-kind.
Cast: Vince Vaughn as Beebop, Ving Rhames as A.C., Jon Voight as Red and Jean-Claude Van Damme as Stretch.
COUNT DUCKULA
Hollywood is in love with the adorable vampires right now. Look to the success of “Twilight” and HBO’s “True Blood.” It is clearly time for Count Duckula to flap his veggie-loving wings again. The count of Duckula can sure bring back the respect for duck actors lost when Howard the Duck made his film debut and quick finale.
Cast: Let’s take a risk here. Wouldn’t it be fun if Count Duckula was, I don’t know, a woman. Julia Roberts can’t be that busy.
SHE-RA VS CHEETARA
The people clearly want a “Thundercats” movie (one fan even doctored up a trailer starring Brad Pitt, Vin Diesel, Hugh Jackman and Gigi Edgley as Cheetara. See it at wormytv.blogspot.com/2008/12/thundercats-sword-of-omens.html). But I want to see She-Ra (He-Man’s sister and star of her own cartoon spinoff) and Thundercat Cheetara battle it out before deciding they should join forces, get fast and furious My Little Ponies and fight G.I. Joe.
Can you say hit, hit, hit? Actually, a real “Thundercats” movie is said to be in development. We’ll see ...
Cast: Some folks would love to see Megan Fox play Cheetara. Not me. The role is too important to be placed in novel hands. Besides, Cloris Leachman was born for the part, and Fox probably wouldn’t look so hot with cheetah spots in her hair. Anna Faris will definitely play She-Ra.
THE LITTLES
“The Littles” is the greatest television program to ever appear before American eyes. Period. Question mark? Colon:
What could be better than a live action movie about a family of ratlike people living in the walls of a human house? No, that’s not creepy at all.
Cast: The ratlike Arquettes could breathe life into this family, dramatic-comedy. I want them all — Rosanna, Alexis, Richmond, Patricia and David Arquette. Courteney Cox (David’s wife) can play Grandpa in what is sure to be an Oscar worthy performance.
Contact this reporter at (937) 225-2384 or arobinson@coxohio.com.
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