Share your Point of View
Dr. Marjorie E. Baker’s column appears the first Sunday of the month. She will continue to dive into the topic of forgiveness next month and wants to hear your Point of View. Have you forgiven someone who injured you unfairly or have you been forgiven by someone that you offended? Some stories of forgiveness may be selected to be summarized and shared in next month’s column with your permission. Please send an email to drbaker.pointofview@ gmail.com detailing your story or providing contact information.
Forgiveness. This is a topic that I have studied and conducted research on for more than 15 years. My work and writings on the subject have been published in academic Journals, in a book chapter and in newspaper articles and I have presented numerous papers, workshops and seminars on various aspects of forgiveness and self-forgiveness at local, state, national and international conferences and forums.
This summer, I will share some of the results of my research and discuss some of my thoughts on the subject of forgiveness. I also will invite you to weigh in on the discussion about forgiveness by sharing your point of view in response to several questions that will be raised on this most important subject.
Forgiveness is one of the most compelling subjects of the 21st century, and to some extent, it is also a concept that is one of the most misunderstood. It is subject open to a wide variety of interpretations, and people view the term and react to it differently.
There is no denying that people sometimes hurt other people. And, sometimes it is unwarranted, unjust, unfair and undeserved.
Emotions related to these undeserved offenses range from quiet acceptance all the way to deep resentment, bitterness and, in some cases, a fury that is emotionally paralyzing, depending on the perceived gravity of the offense as well as the remorsefulness of the offender.
To forgive or not to forgive is a dilemma that has in one form or another emerged again and again from the highest levels of the global and political arenas to the intimacy of personal family constellations.
Issues related to forgiveness continue to tear at the moral fiber of today’s society. Whether expressed in overt cries for help through crime, or mental or physical anguish or coveted internally in the form of quiet desperation and/or depression, the fact of the ‘forgiveness’ matter is that many people are hurting and don’t know how to manage their emotional pain.
People are confused and conflicted internally about what to think and how to feel about forgiveness. And, perhaps even more importantly, many are just as unsure and troubled about how to deal with their very real, and perhaps justified, feelings of unforgiveness.
There is confusion about what forgiveness is and what it is not as well as how to achieve it.
In my experience as a researcher on the subject of forgiveness, I have found that regardless of one’s personal interpretation of forgiveness, most individuals view it as a good thing to do and as something that they ought to strive for. Regardless of whether someone is personally ready, willing, and/or able to forgive, most people see it as the ideal and perhaps Christian thing to do. Unfortunately, forgiveness is not something that usually happens on command simply because we believe it to be the right or expected thing to do. It’s an internal process, it’s a matter of the heart and it is a process that cannot be forced.
Here are some thoughts about forgiveness for you to ponder: (adapted from Lewis Smedes in his book Forgive and Forget)
• The most creative power given to the human spirit is the power to heal the wounds of a past that it cannot change
• We do our forgiving alone inside our hearts and minds, and by so doing we heal ourselves and free ourselves to move on
• The first person to benefit from forgiving is the one who forgives
• Forgiveness is a journey: the deeper the wound, the longer the journey
• Forgiveness does not require us to reunite with the person we are forgiving
• Waiting for someone to repent before we forgive is to surrender our future to the person who wronged us
• Forgivers are not doormats; to forgive a person is not a signal that we are willing to continue to tolerate their abuse
• When we forgive, we set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner we set free is ourselves
Marjorie E. Baker, Ph.D. is a retired professor from the Department of Social Work at Wright State University, Dayton.
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