He’s on duty simultaneously at every mall in America. He might be mentioned on your radio at any moment. He’s likely to show up on any screen in your field of vision.
No wonder he may also be in your dreams, not just those of your kids.
The thing about that is, he’s not only multiple in number, he’s multiple in personality.
If the clothes make the man, no two men who wear the red suit are exactly the same.
A printed guide might help distinguish between those who are approachable and those, like other fur-bearing creatures, who are best observed from a distance.
What follows doesn’t qualify as definitive or complete. It’s an early draft of ...
The Santa Species: A Field Guide to Types and Variations in Popular Culture
■ Age-Discriminating Santa: Encountered in the song “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” he takes the saying “Christmas is for kids” a bit too far. Look both ways before crossing.
■ All-You-Can-Eat Santa: Dan Ackroyd’s former rich guy-turned buffet regular in “Trading Places” (1983). Smoked salmon and a big beard may not be the best combination.
■ Basketball-Savvy Santa: The village of Santa Claus, Ind., pop. 2,320.
■ Bell-Ringing, Accordion-Playing Santa: Snoopy in “Charlie Brown’s Christmas Tales” (2002). He will not speak, but may squawk if you question his musical choice of “Oh, Susannah.”
■ Cover Boy Santa: Starting before 1920, at least a half dozen Norman Rockwell paintings ended up there in the “Saturday Evening Post,” “Boys Life” and other publications.
■ Dunderheaded Klutzy Santa: Chevy Chase in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989). Hold this end of the extension cord, please.
■ Emergency Replacement Santa: Since he kills the real one in a rooftop accident, it’s fitting that Tim Allen finds himself destined to fill in so divorced dad Scott Calvin can keep the magic alive for 6-year-old Charlie in “The Santa Clause” (1994).
■ Foul-Mouthed, Hard-Drinking Santa: Don’t bug Billy Bob Thornton’s character during his department store dinner break in “Bad Santa” (2003).
■ Fridge-Raiding, Pop-Swilling Santa: The one popularized in the famous Coca Cola ads starting in 1931.
■ Gay Marriage-Favoring Santa: Now through Dec. 20 at the Kirk Theatre in New York, the play “Santa Claus Is Coming Out” depicts the icon in a personal struggle — torn between duty to the world’s kids and passionate love for the Italian toy-maker Giovanni Geppetto. Yes, Pinocchio, that Geppetto. Tickets are $46.25.
■ Genetically Tormented Santa: Vince Vaughn plays “Fred Claus” (2007), who’s nothing like his beloved little brother, Nick. He shows up at the North Pole with a resume including repo man and convict.
■ Good as Gold, Doubt-Proof Santa: Portrayed by Edward Gwenn in “Miracle on 34th Street” (1947), he doesn’t require attention, praise or tax incentives for giving. He just does it.
■ Gun-Bristling Santa: In “Black Santa’s Revenge” (2007), Ken Foree plays “a down-and-out Santa, robbed of the toys meant for the poor kids in town. He searches for the thugs responsible and serves up his own brand of holiday cheer.”
■ Home-Wrecker Santa: Described in the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” he wants others who may spy him to believe Dad is wearing the suit. Dad will know better, won’t he?
■ Jaunty, Buoyant, Happy Santa: The one we sing of in “Here Comes Santa Claus.” It’s all good.
■ Openly Commercial Santa: The self-described “world-famous Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Santa” is on a 25-city tour from Portland, Maine, to Metairie, La. Dayton is not on his list.
■ Opportunistic Santa: Eddie Murphy in the vintage “Saturday Night Live” skit “Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood.” Evicted by his landlord, he dons a Santa suit to sneak in and out, but also to turn the situation to advantage with a bell and collection bucket. “I figure I’ll be taking on about $300-400 a day! Oh, why, oh, why must Christmas come but once a year, boys and girls?”
■ Potentially Old Testament Santa: The song “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” is happy and innocent enough, but the threat of punishment hovers between the lines. “He knows when you’ve been sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. So be good for goodness sake.” Or else?
■ Probably Allergic Santa: The one described by Clement Moore in “The Night Before Christmas.” “Laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.”
■ Pro-Northern Santa: The Civil War-era illustrations Thomas Nast published in weekly newspapers between 1863 and 1865.
■ Sadistic Santa: The robot in the animated sci-fi sitcom “Futurama.” “You better not breathe. You better not move. You’re better off dead, I’m telling you, dude.”
■ Santa as a Woman? It could happen. Here are five things that www.topfive.com cites that indicate Santa isn’t a man. Santa ... Reads children’s letters in an office, not in the bathroom. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, still insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve. Actually seems to shake like two bowls full of jelly. No guy would name his animals Dancer and Prancer. Santa is never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
■ Save-the-Day Santa: It’s none other than stubble-faced Homer in “The Simpsons” episode “Grift of the Magi.” Lisa discovers a new toy called Funzo is programmed to destroy all others. Homer has to visit every home in Springfield on Christmas Eve to destroy all the Funzos.
■ Second-Fiddle Santa: Charles Durning as the husband in the TV movie musical “Mrs. Santa Claus” (1996). Angela Lansbury plays the fed-up invisible wife who takes the reins and goes to New York.
■ Skeletal Santa: Jack Skellington in “Nightmare Before Christmas” (1993).
■ Skeptic-Proof Santa: The one described by New York Sun journalist Francis Pharcellus Church in the famous 1897 “Yes, Virginia” letter to 8-year-old Virginia O’Hanlon asserting St. Nick’s existence.
■ Southern Santa: The hamlet of Santa Claus, Ga., pop. 250.
■ Space-Colonizing Santa: Pledge allegiance to the central character in the nonblockbuster movie “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” (1991). Kidnapped by Martians upset that their kids have been contaminated by Earth television broacasts, he succeeds in spreading good cheer to the red planet.
■ Sugar Daddy Santa: The one Eartha Kitt coaxes in the song “Santa Baby” to slip a sable under the tree, a ’54 convertible, too (light blue), a yacht, the deed to a platinum mine, a duplex, checks and decorations from Tiffany’s.
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