To spank or not to spank?

Spanking or physical punishment

Models aggression

Does not teach appropriate behavior

Can confuse the child

Can easily lead to parents losing control

Effective discipline strategies

Are used consistently

Define behavior of concern and the consequence

Natural consequences work best

For young children, time out works well

For older children, behavioral contracts work well

SOURCE: Mary Beth Dewitt, psychologist, Dayton Children’s Medical Center

Exhausting ... frustrating ... rewarding ... embarrassing — on any given day parenting can elicit any number of emotions.

“Being a parent is probably the hardest job in the world,” said Mary Beth DeWitt, child psychologist at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. “You’re always having to think on your feet.”

Discipline can be one of the most difficult and least rewarding tasks a parent can undertake. And to spank or not to spank has become a frequently debated topic in recent years.

Spanking happens, more often than some might think. A reader survey conducted by parents.com found that 81 percent of the 1,000 parents polled said they had spanked their child at least once and 22 percent do so once a week or more. Those numbers are consistent with a 2007 study published in the journal of Psychology, Public Policy, and Law that found that nearly 80 percent of children are spanked at least once by the time they are in the fifth grade.

The American Academy of Pediatrics, however, strongly opposes spanking and suggests that spontaneous incidents of spanking should be followed with an explanation from the parents about why they did it and the behavior that provoked them. Their position statement also includes a suggestion that parents “might apologize to their child for their loss of control. This usually helps the youngster to understand and accept the spanking, and it models for the child how to remediate a wrong.”

According to a study recently published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, spanking children can result in long-term developmental damage and may even lower a child’s IQ. Authors Joan Durrant, a professor at the University of Manitoba, and Ron Ensom, with the Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario in Ottawa, reached their conclusions after examining 20 years of published research. The authors cite decades of research showing that physical punishment makes children more aggressive and antisocial and can cause cognitive impairment and developmental difficulties.

Eliminating physical punishment from parenting strategies, however, doesn’t mean bad behavior should go unpunished.

Effective discipline

“Spanking is quick and easy, but it doesn’t teach the child anything,” DeWitt said. “And if you spank a child because they hit someone else, you are definitely going to confuse them.”

Discipline is an opportunity to learn that actions have consequences. For that reason, DeWitt suggests that natural consequences work best. If a child throws a toy and breaks it, the toy is not replaced. If a child rides their bike in the street when they were told to stay on the sidewalk, then they lose their bike riding privileges for a period of time.

“Then they learn the result of their behavior,” DeWitt said.

Children as young as 18-24 months can begin to learn about consequences. This time period, in fact, is critical as personalities are beginning to develop.

“A brief timeout at that age is best,” DeWitt said. “This takes them away from what they were doing and lets the parent redirect them.”

As children get older, removing privileges can be an effective strategy, whether it’s playing video games or spending time with friends. Regardless of the consequence, parents need to be consistent.

“Kids need parents to structure and limit their behavior,” DeWitt said. “Some parents think that kids will just learn how to behave and that isn’t the case.”

Effective parenting

House rules are a good starting point for all families and should include such things as “not hurting anyone” and “doing what your parents tell you.”

Before implementing any punishment, DeWitt advices that parents stop and take a deep breath.

“Your kids will feed off your reaction,” she said. “If you scream, they will scream.”

These emotional moments are one of the reasons DeWitt and others advise against spanking.

“It’s easy to hit them harder than you intended or hit them two or three times instead of just once when you are upset,” she said. “It’s easy to lose control.”

Parents need to anticipate and plan for various behaviors, especially when they are going to be in public setting like a store or park. And being in public doesn’t mean that bad behavior is ignored.

“It can be more embarrassing if your child acts up in public, but you can still enforce consequences,” DeWitt said.

It might mean walking out of a restaurant for a few minutes, leaving the park while their friends are still happily playing or taking a timeout at the zoo. Specific consequences will vary, but parents need to send a clear message to their child that their behavior will not be tolerated.

“More than likely, in those situations, they will have a bigger fit at the time, but the consequence will have an impact,” DeWitt said.

And one of the most therapeutic parenting strategies of all is to take an occasional break from parenting.

“Most parents are working parents so they work all day and then are immediately in parent mode so they need to take some time for themselves,” DeWitt said.

“We frequently give all of ourselves to our kids so, once a week or once a month, do something by yourself, with a friend or with your spouse.”