Cats marrying dogs and five other things same sex marriage won’t mean

The Justice League of the United States Supreme Court, as it is called by humans, changed history today as it is wont to do.

In a pair of epic decisions, justices struck down parts of the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act as unconstitutional and upheld a federal judge’s ruling that California’s ban on same sex marriage is unconstitutional.

The court’s close rulings (the vote was 5 to 4 in both cases), at least in part reflects the majority public views.

Nearly 60 percent of American adults believe same-sex marriage is a civil rights issue “like age, race and gender,” according to a poll released earlier this month by LifeWay Research, a Nashville-based polling firm connected to the Southern Baptist Convention.

Sixty-four percent believe it is inevitable that same-sex marriage will become legal throughout the nation.

Here’s basically what the highly anticipated rulings said: The federal government can no longer deny gay spouses Social Security death benefits or force him or her to pay the estate tax. The high court ruled that DOMA violated equal protection by denying federal benefits to legally married gay couples who live in D.C. and 12 states where same-sex marriage is legal.

Same-sex marriage can be legalized in California, but it seems other states — Ohio included — can still make their own marriage laws.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, here are five things same-sex marriage will not bring:

Cats will not marry dogs

Felines and canines will continue to live in sin under the same rooves in family homes across America. The battle for treats continues.

People will not be forced to participate in a gay pride parade

It is somewhat fitting that the rulings came in June, Pride Month — a time for those in the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community to celebrate their history and raise awareness of issues.

Stepping out on a limb here, but these communities probably would rather not have those opposed to gay marriage competing with their floats.

• Glitter shortage

Incorrect. Investing in glitter right now would be a mistake. Gay marriages on average require only slightly more glitter than straight marriages. Glitter is plentiful.

Our enemies will win

No they won’t. We are awesome.

Male and female marriage will be affected

The only way same sex marriage affects oppose sex marriage is that oppose sex couples have to buy same sex couples wedding gifts.

Contact this columnist at arobinson@DaytonDailyNews.com or Twitter.com/DDNSmartMouth

Thank you for reading the Dayton Daily News and for supporting local journalism. Subscribers: log in for access to your daily ePaper and premium newsletters.

Thank you for supporting in-depth local journalism with your subscription to the Dayton Daily News. Get more news when you want it with email newsletters just for subscribers. Sign up here.

X