Relationships are based on understanding another’s viewpoint. This means listening carefully and striving to appreciate another’s thoughts and feelings without inserting our perspective. During my graduate studies, a professor told me that establishing empathy with our patients is the most difficult skill psychologists had to learn. She was right.
It’s hard to listen. Many kids and their parents express outrageous thoughts and feelings that seem so misguided, illogical, and just plain wrong. Even so, I can’t begin to influence families in a positive direction until I emotionally and intellectually understand their worlds.
Empathy doesn’t mean condoning or agreeing with another. When kids tell me their parents hate them, I don’t agree with their feelings. I simply try to understand the basis of their emotions.
Marriage relationships often fail because one or both partners lack the skill of empathy. Kids emotionally disengage based upon their judgment that their parents don’t understand them.
How would you describe your closest friends? I bet you would say that they really “get you.” Genuine relationships are built upon this foundation of empathy.
Empathic people are happier in their personal lives and more successful in their careers. The ability to understand and respond to another’s perspective is one of the keys to happiness.
Here’s how you can promote this skill in your children.
1. Calm down. Empathy ends when anger and frustration begin. When kids need it the most, they are least able to be empathic. Teach your kids how to calm down or walk away from highly emotional situations.
2. Stop giving your viewpoint. Allow yourself the privilege of understanding another without labeling their world as misguided.
3. Ask lots of open-ended questions. "Tell me more about that." "What were you thinking or feeling when that happened?" "Explain that again to me. I'm not sure I understand."
In my family sessions with kids, I ask them to restate their parents’ perspective before giving their own. Kids are initially terrible at this, but with coaching and practice even young kids can develop these skills.
The United States ranks seventh out of 63 countries in a recent study of empathy. You can’t change the entire country, but you can change yourself.
NEXT WEEK: How to raise the happiest kids in the world!
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