Dear Carol: I have good news: You are doing something wrong. Don't feel badly. This is such a common problem for parents I work with. More good news: It's a simple fix that has worked every time I have coached a parent on this specific procedure. While I suppose your child could have some kind of emotional problem (feel free to investigate this at some later date), I doubt it. Let's quickly touch on the "why" of your problem before we get to the "how."
Let’s just start with the idea that kids exhibit behaviors that get them what they want. Your kid’s behavior of saying, “Woe is me” is getting him what he wants in the form of you telling him how much so many people love him. Think of this behavior as him saying to you, “Tell me how much everybody loves me.” Of course this need for love and attention is normal and healthy. We are going to give him that love, but never when he “asks for it” through whining about how terrible his life is. You never want to plead for a kid to feel happier or feel better about himself because this gives the kid the implicit message that someone else is responsible for his happiness. This leads to feelings of entitlement and often, depression and, ironically, feelings of worthlessness.
So now the "how": You were on the right track when you told him that this was his problem and that he needs to figure out the solution himself, but first we have to lay on the love before he tries to play the sad, little victim. Give him the love that he needs from the moment he wakes up. Lots and lots of hugs and kisses are in order. Tell him how lucky he is to have so many people who love him. Have his grandparents call just to express their love. Have friends and relatives make him cards and come over to shower him with adoring attention before he tries to throw himself an epic pity party.
Once you lay this groundwork, you can make waxing poetic about his sad life a nonfunctional behavior. Here’s how I would do it with your kid:
Kid: I am just horrendous. No one wants to play with me.
Kid Whisperer: Oh, no. What are you going to do?
Kid: I am telling you so you can solve my problem and make me happy.
Kid Whisperer: Oh, man. I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan, so I have my own problems. I only solve those. I know you can figure this out. If you want some help after thinking really hard about how to solve your problem, I might have some ideas. Good luck.
Later, if asked, you can tell him some options for how kids can make friends. Don’t demand that he solve this problem, because it’s not your problem. It’s his.
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