Homemade French toast, in New York, March 27, 2017. Using whole milk and adding a bit of cream in the batter can go a long way to creating travel-worthy French toast. (Jessica Emily Marx/The New York Times

Carb. CARB! Everywhere a carb-carb. Here’s why you can’t avoid them.

Quick rhetorical question: Why don’t carbs have fewer carbs?

Follow-up rhetorical question: Why does everything I want to eat seem to be a carb?

At least that’s the way it seems now that I am “trying” to cut back on carbs because Madison Avenue has convinced me they are the enemy.

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It is very unfair.

Rice is a carb.

Bread is a carb.

Air is a carb.

Hope is a carb.

Life was a lot easier when I had what today’s youth affectionately call a “metabolism.”

For years, I staved off carbs by just eating carbs.

All I had to do was eat an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting.

What are the long-term effects of a ketogenic diet?

I could clean out any vending machine in the nation and still need a belt for my jeans.

So many Snickers. So many Doritos. A million Chips Ahoy cookies.

Those were the days, for real.

Until my early 30s and before I had back fat of my very own, the weight that was not there would just fall off.

Just breathing was as effective as a 45-minute aerobic routine, which I had so much time to do.

So I am avoiding carbs.

But no, I am not on a fad diet.

I am simply avoiding carbs because that’s the fad.

A high-protein diet seems to work for all the cool kids.

Seems like being cool is a good enough weight-loss goal.

Like most people, I also don’t want to do any thorough research.

I’ve heard or skimmed the basic info on the big ones to get the gist that carbs are the enemy of the state.

Paleolithic diet, check.

Atkins diet, sure.

Whole30, Roger that.

Problem is that, like Oprah, “I LOVE BREAD.”

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And pasta. And pancakes. And pie crust.

Love them more it seems than a balanced diet and regular exercise.

Num! Num! Num!

So I am “trying” to watch my carbs.

Unfortunately, I suppose, I am usually just watching them go right in my mouth.

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