This is Ohio.
Spring has sprung, but we will surely have a few more cold days before all is said and done.
It is very much like they say: "If you don't like the weather, wait 15 minutes. It will change."
That said, I am declaring mandatory pants season officially O.V.E.R.
It is still too early to go bare-legged, dang it, but we've crossed into "you don't have to wear pants" season, so says I.
Store those pants, but please don’t take this as an indictment of bottoms.
Bottoms are the fabric of our society and for heaven’s sake, you must wear them.
But there is no rule that says those bottoms have to be pants.
It seems like a small distinction, but believe you me it is not.
Clearly not all bottoms are pants, but all bottoms cover your bottom.
Wear pants if you want — people fought long and hard for your right to wear slacks.
I just don’t plan to pants it up for the next few months.
Pants fatigue disorder has taken over my life during months and months of what seemed like neverending cold temps.
Forgive my dramatics, but at times, it seemed the sun would never come back and I would be forced to wear pants or leggings forever.
For clarification, when I speak of pants, I am talking about actual pants. They are substantial, long and cumbersome.
I speak not of shorts, not of capris, not of yoga pants and definitely not of leggings. Leggings are not pants!!
Pants are leg jails.
Skirts and dresses are fancy free; pants are controlling and overbearing.
In honesty, I don’t know why more men don’t wear dresses and skirts.
Embrace it, men. Fill you life with skirts and dresses. If anyone looks at you strangely, just call it a kilt or say they are mistaken.
Pants want to put baby in a corner. They don’t want you to spin around and around. Pants don’t want to fly.
They don’t like parties. They like to sit quietly and think about being pants.
My gams have been on lockdown for far too long.
As the Ohio Players say in their 1974 song "I want to be Free," I want to be free.
I have had all that I am willing to take from pants. Now you know why.
My oppressors have been kicked off and there hopefully won’t be a need for them until at least October.
Contact this columnist at amelia.robinson@coxinc.com or Twitter.com/DDNSmartMouth
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