Some guys not bright enough to buy bulbs

In my defense, light bulbs aren’t normally on my shopping list, because my wife and I have an unspoken arrangement. I buy the important stuff, such as Doritos, lunch meat and beer. She buys soaps, paper towels and other nonessentials.

But as I’m heading to the mega-market the other day because we are perilously low on hard salami, she mentions that we’re out of light bulbs.

So when I get to the store I head for the light bulb department, where I am confronted with an entire aisle of decisions. Incandescent, LED or CFL? Crystal clear or frosted? Instant on or delayed?

My instinct is to pick the cheapest bulbs I can find, which turns out to be a package of 12 generic incandescent bulbs for $2.39.

But then I remember that incandescent bulbs no longer are politically correct and if we don’t all start using the curly kind, bad things will happen to the planet.

So I continue down the aisle until I reach the curly bulb section. Which is where my confusion increases.

The first bulb I find costs $6.19. But there are, by actual count, 98 light sockets in and around our house and filling them all with $6.19 bulbs could get a little pricey.

Loan departments have loosened up a bit, but I’m not sure what the reaction would be if I went to one and said we needed to take out a second mortgage to pay for light bulbs.

Besides, on the shelf below it there’s a curly bulb for $2.99 that, according to the information on the package, is guaranteed to last for nine years, which is more than I can say about myself.

But next to it, there’s a package of two bulbs for $5.54 that supposedly would save me $38 in five years. I can’t figure out if that’s a better deal than the package of six selling for $11.88, which would save me $37 in five years.

Or should I invest $5.49 for an instant on mini bulb that will save $28 in four years?

Eventually I decide buying a light bulb is way too complicated for me, so I give up and head for the exit.

Fortunately, the trip is not a total loss. On my way out of the store, I notice they’re having a buy one, get one deal on Doritos. I buy two bags and take them home.

We’ll eat them in the dark.

Contact D.L. Stewart at dlstew_2000@yahoo.com.