You think you need to “help” her. I think you need to discipline her. However unwittingly and with good intentions, you’re making excuses for and therefore enabling her misbehavior.
Her rehabilitation begins with treating people with respect. I recommend that you put her on my celebrated “Three Strikes You’re Out!” program. She receives a strike whenever she is disrespectful or whines. When she is disrespectful toward others or whines disruptively, she receives a strike. Each of the first two strikes of the day result in 15 minutes of time-out. The third strike of the day results in her spending the remainder of the day in her room and going to bed immediately after supper.
The second phase of her rehabilitation involves a change in your behavior. Stop “suggesting” activities to her. Find something you would like to do with her, and tell her, declaratively, “This is what I’ve decided you and I are doing today.” If she objects, tell her she has no choice in the matter. The activities in question should not involve her siblings and should not be things they already excel at. That will prevent unfavorable comparisons. I’m talking about mother-daughter things. Start slow. Take walks through parks or on nature trails, for example. Graduate from there to leisurely bike rides. The key is finding activities she can enjoy without having to compete.
By the way, there’s an “odd duck” child in nearly every family. The challenge, always, is helping the child find a pond she feels comfortable swimming in.
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