Opinion: Oh no, Trump is buzzing!

On Wednesday, we had a Presidential Alert test. Did you hear it? Your cellphone probably started beeping madly. It was just a run-through to make sure you’d get the warning if some terrible disaster were headed your way.

You mean like Donald Trump?

No, no, no. We’re talking about hurricanes. Or maybe missiles. The Presidential Alert means he’s warning you, not shooting at you.

Are you sure? Because I was watching him at a couple of events over the last week and he seemed pretty darned … excitable.

The president doesn’t really send the alerts. It’s the Federal Emergency Management Agency.

FEMA — is that the guy who was in danger of getting canned for misusing government cars?

Well, a great number of major Trump administration officials would be in danger of being canned if the president were capable of cleaning house. But as we all learned long ago, the man who made his mark in the world by telling people “You’re fired!” on reality TV is incapable of actually firing anyone.

If Trump did have control of the Emergency Alert System, do you think he might just make something up?

To be charitable, there does seem to be a reality-connection problem there. We get a little nervous every time he tells a rally that his presidential win in 2016 was “the greatest election victory in the history of our country,” which does seem to overlook certain details like the loss of the popular vote.

So if, for instance, a goose landed in his swimming pool, what are the chances he’d think it was an enemy attack?

I’d say 50-50. But remember, the deep state is really watching over the alarm system. And the generals have the nuclear bombs.

But Trump being delusional matters! Look at all the things he’s been saying about the Kavanaugh hearing.

Yeah, after a few days of unnerving self-control, Trump made it clear that he identifies with his Supreme Court nominee and, I guess, every other well-to-do white man who’s ever been accused of sexual assault.

“I’ve been accused. And I was accused by — I believe it was four women,” said Trump at a news conference last week. Actually, it was more like 22 if you include unwelcome kissing and walking uninvited into dressing rooms while they were changing.

He said that it was a “very scary time for young men in America” but that women were doing “great.” Isn’t the president supposed to help keep things balanced when there are so many attacks on the #MeToo movement?

Yeah, and we might have seen this coming when we elected a guy who said back in the 1990s that the secret to handling women was to “treat ‘em like s***.” And bragged to Howard Stern that he could have done Lady Di.

This week Donald Jr. said exactly the same thing — about how he worried more for his sons than his daughters.

Junior never loses his capacity to be awful, but remember that during much of his teen years, his father was begging the tabloids to run headlines about how he was giving great sex to a woman who was not Donald Jr.’s mother.

Was that after Trump became a real estate baron or before?

Good news — this is not a distinction you really need to make anymore. We now know that thanks to his dad, young Donald was earning the equivalent of $200,000 a year when he was 3 and was a millionaire by 8.

So really, when you follow the saga through, what we have here is a rich kid who went into the family business and wasn’t actually all that good at it.

We have a guy in the White House who can’t do anything!

With his finger on the emergency alert!

Breathe deep. Remember, deep state, deep state. Elections in five weeks.

Writes for The New York Times.