‘I’m proud of anyone who is living an authentic life and who has found the happiness in that.’ — Tuesday “Sparkledanger” Feltz
‘I think that if more of us (and by us, I mean humans) could focus our attention on creating our own happiness, then we wouldn’t need to be so concerned and consumed by what people we’ve never even met are doing to try and make their own lives happy and meaningful.’ — Erin Cole
‘The biggest struggle that most LGBT people face is not the difficulty of acceptance from the outside, but the road to acceptance on the inside.’ — David Moyer
Editor’s note: From time to time, our partners at Dayton.com interview three local people about their views on a subject in the news in a feature called Tastemakers, and the comments are always revealing.
This week, ahead of this weekend’s events celebrating Dayton Pride, staff writer Amelia Robinson put questions to three members of the LGBTQ community about Pride and life in Dayton. They shared their views on how it feels to live and work here; their comments offer insights into a community many people perhaps only rarely get to see from the inside.
The three people interviewed:
— Erin Cole, who is director of development and fundraising at Community Health Center of Greater Dayton.
— Tuesday “Sparkledanger” Feltz, who is poly, queer, an artist, and a hostess at a Dayton restaurant.
— David Moyer, who is president of the Dayton Gay Men’s Chorus.
You can find other Tastemaker interviews at Dayton.com. Your thoughts? Email rollins@coxohio.com.
Q: The Stonewall Riots happened in 1969. Is Pride still necessary? Why?
Cole: I don't think necessary is the word I would use. Important, yes. Pride celebrations still matter because they are about more than just parades. Pride is about visibility, affirmation and the creation of safe spaces. There is pride in being out and open; yet for many, Pride celebrations are some of the only places where they can be just that. We have come a long way since Stonewall, but we still have so much work ahead. Violence and intolerance against the LGBTQ community is still a major issue, within the transgender community especially. Pride celebrations continue to increase awareness as well as create a venue for our community and those who support us to celebrate life, love and human rights. What's not to celebrate in that?
Feltz: Pride is still very necessary. Today we have almost achieved the mainstream gay community's goals of marriage equality and equal family status for same-sex couples, and these are amazing advances in human rights, but there are so many people who don't fall into this group who still deserve their own rights and respect. We could still work toward these goals without Pride events, but Pride also serves to bring queer communities together and it lets people who identify as transgender, agender, asexual, pansexual, genderqueer, polyamorous and other more marginalized groups than just gay or lesbian meet and find the groups they need locally to work together for what they need and want out of life.
Moyer: Pride takes place not because of a need to always celebrate our diversity, but for a need to continue to make strides. The March on Washington for Civil Rights occurred in 1963, and still to this day we are educating people and fighting for equality for those same people. The need for Pride will always be around until the need to talk about it as something different than the normal no longer exists. The greatest accomplishment Pride can achieve is to create a society where love is not questioned and gay marriage is no longer gay marriage, yet rather marriage.
Q: Is there enough in the Greater Dayton area for members of the LGBTQ community? Who/what are some of the best supporters, advocates or organizations that make Dayton LGBTQ-friendly?
Cole: I think that Dayton does a good job, considering its size and location in the Midwest. However I don't know that any place has "enough" in terms of support systems and incorporation of LGBTQ issues into the collective discussion via representation and actionable platforms. But then again, "enough" is a bit subjective, but that is neither here nor there. Here in Dayton, there are some amazing organizations and people doing really great work. One cannot discuss LGBTQ issues in Dayton without reverence being given to the Rubi Girls, who have single-handedly raised over $1 million for HIV/AIDS and gay-related causes. If you are unfamiliar, you are missing out big time. Run and find a Pride festival schedule and go see them perform this summer. You will not be disappointed. We have a strong LGBT Center, and numerous local affiliate groups like GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network) Greater Dayton, which is doing wonderful things in our schools to promote and create safe and affirming environments via Gay-Straight Alliance groups for students and educators, and PFLAG (Parents, Families, Friends & Allies United with LGBT people). In addition, we have Rainbow Elder Care and the Gatlyn Dame group. And one of the greatest things about Dayton is our Mayor, Nan Whaley, who is a supporter of Why Marriage Matters Ohio, created a Mayor's Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered and Queer (LGBTQ) Liaison within her office, and is overall a staunch supporter of the gay community. Dayton also has enacted a Sexual Orientation Non-Discrimination Ordinance, provides benefits to the domestic partner of eligible employees, and operates a regional Domestic Partner Registry. So, all in all, I think Dayton is doing a lot to support the LGBTQ community.
Feltz: I don't think there is nearly enough support or groups in Dayton for the LGBT community. We don't even have a lesbian bar. It's sad, really. Most of the supportive organizations we do have here are church-related, which isn't great for people who are atheists or not Christian. Many are open to the whole community, but a lot of people feel uncomfortable attending church events when they aren't religious. We do have some great gay bars. And there is the Lesbian Dayton internet group, which has bimonthly meetings that has been an awesome resource for older women in town. It would be amazing if we had a community center or somewhere besides bars for the younger crowd to get together for events. Luckily there is a lot more going on in Cincinnati and Columbus and that really isn't so very far away.
Moyer: Dayton has always been in the forefront when it comes to LGBT advocates and supporters. From the incredible businesses that call Dayton home, the mom-and-pop stores that proudly display a Pride flag decal on their windows, all the way to the Mayor herself. But once again, I don't think it is necessary to wonder "is there enough for the gay community." "Is there enough for the community of Dayton as a whole" without having to wonder what sexuality the clientele may be. We have so much to be proud of here in Dayton, and we can be proud that the community is not segregationist.
Q: What do you wish marriage equality opponents knew about the issue?
Cole: I think that in this case, as with many issues deemed "controversial," opposition to marriage equality often comes from a fear of something with which one is not familiar, which can make that issue seem threatening. I would like opponents to know that my wife, Amanda, and I are no threat to them. We are raising kids, paying taxes, cooking dinner with friends and trying to make it in this world just like everyone else. I think that if more of us (and by us, I mean humans) could focus our attention on creating our own happiness, then we wouldn't need to be so concerned and consumed by what people we've never even met are doing to try and make their own lives happy and meaningful.
Feltz: I wish that people who are against marriage equality understood that what other people do with their lives and loves has no effect on the people who aren't involved at all. The marriage of a gay couple in the next town over whom you have never met can't dissolve the sanctity of marriage any more than a random same-sex couple. Also for people who want it to be called a civil union … whether on paper we are going to call it a marriage because that is just common vernacular … that is what we call a wedded union in the United States. So why fight it? Stop trying to make "civil union" happen.
Moyer: Opponents spend far too much time quoting scripture as a reason for their opposition. I believe it is fair to say that while a marriage in a church for a faith-based same-sex couple would be ideal, and a bit of a dream, the supporters are not trying to influence the church, and no one is asking for thousands of years of tradition to suddenly change and adapt. Rather supporters try to work with the opponents to help everyone understand it is a civil issue and a human rights issue. Our country was designed to reward and encourage those types of relationships and bonds between two people. Opponents think it is all about the church; supporters realize is it a governmental civil rights issue. I would bet there are more than enough married couples in Dayton who have never stepped foot in a place of worship, their marriage was not something that was presented in a faith-based community, yet their marriage is legal and the church still stands today.
Q: Is it easy being “out” in Dayton?
Cole: That depends on who you are, where you live, what you look like, etc. — just as it does anywhere. For me, it is easy being out. I have been living out and proud for 20 years and have had relatively few times where I encountered any backlash, apart from the occasional situation where I make someone uncomfortable (which is fine, because I do not see it as my job to make others comfortable with my gayness). But I live with privilege. I am white. I am a masculine-presenting woman, and I work in a professional arena. So although my personal response would be yes, for me it is easy being "out" in Dayton, for others in the LGBTQ community — those living in poverty, people of color, and transgender community members — have a reality that is often times the flipside of my coin. That is the aspect of visibility, acceptance and freedom that we all need to be focused on, in my opinion. Once we get to that point, we will really have something to celebrate.
Feltz: It's getting easier being out in Dayton, but it's still not what I would describe as easy. I've had recent jobs where they had only adopted anti-discrimination practices a year ago, and I didn't feel safe that I could keep my job so I refrained from discussing my family. I've also been self-employed and cautious not to be too out to most clients for fear of never getting hired. Some people I know have never had this problem; others have had their sexuality used against them in worse ways such as during custody battles. I think the queer existence in Dayton can vary widely depending on where you live, how supportive your family is and the color of your skin.
Moyer: It's never easy being out, but I am proud that in Dayton, it isn't hard either. The biggest struggle that most LGBT people face is not the difficulty of acceptance from the outside, but the road to acceptance on the inside. But as we grow older, we realize that we are meant to be ourselves and that regardless of how society changes, there will always be someone to bring us down, then the responsibility rests on our shoulders. No one can hinder my pride in who I am but myself. And Dayton has always been a welcoming home to nurture that pride.
Q: What makes you proud?
Cole: I take pride in my family. I see my primary job as raising my kids to be the best human beings they can be — instilling the values of compassion, awareness, gratitude and humility. I am proud of my community with which I surround myself because there are truly some amazing people in this world and I am extremely fortunate to know and be loved by some of them. Lastly, I am most proud of those in the LGBTQ movement who sacrifice and work tirelessly, sometimes without recognition or compensation, to make the world just a little bit better for everyone else. They are the true heroes that we celebrate, and they are what Pride is all about.
Feltz: I'm proud of myself for being brave enough to have done all my hard coming-outs. I'm proud to have accepting and loving kids who are supportive of me and themselves and their friends who have come out. I'm proud to be in a long-term relationship that works and is filled with love. I'm proud of anyone who is living an authentic life and who has found the happiness in that.
Moyer: I am proud to be who I am without feeling that I will be labeled with the tagline, "that gay man." I'm David first and Moyer last — the rest is just part of the package.
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