• Nick Bosa, Ohio State’s Tarzan lookalike, will sack USC quarterback Sam Darnold four times to help the Buckeyes trounce the Trojans in the Cotton (not Rose) Bowl. After Darnold scurries for cover, Bosa will take down Traveler the horse for good measure. Urban Meyer will claim that the Big Ten is the best conference. Well, it does have Iowa.
• Joel Lanning will make 20 tackles from his linebacker spot, rush for three touchdowns as a quarterback and catch a couple passes while leading Iowa State past Memphis in the Liberty Bowl. ISU coach Matt Campbell will reveal that Lanning also would’ve punted, if the Cyclones would’ve had to punt.
• Washington will hold Saquon Barkley to 46 yards rushing, but James Franklin will call his running back the best player ever. The Huskies will win the Fiesta Bowl and dust off the Statue of Liberty play for Chris Petersen. An irritated Franklin will answer every postgame question with: “We’re just looking ahead to Appalachian State (2018’s first foe).”
• The turnover chain will break from overuse as Miami takes advantage of Wisconsin quarterback Alex Hornibrook’s wounded ducks in the Orange Bowl. The Hurricanes, playing at home in a bowl game for the 80th time, will cause us all to throw up by making that U sign for the entire fourth quarter, even if they’re behind.
• Scott Frost will lead Central Florida to an upset of Auburn in the Peach Bowl, capping the Knights’ 13-0 season. At halftime he’ll make six recruiting calls and get five verbal commitments for Nebraska. Afterward, he’ll rip open his shirt to reveal a Superman logo. Urban Meyer chuckles.
• Oklahoma and Alabama will meet in the national championship game. Jalen Hurts will complete only three passes, but Nick Saban will remember that Bo Scarbrough is still on his team. Scarbrough will rush for 237 yards as the Crimson Tide roll. Instead of a flag, Alabama will plant Baker Mayfield. Saban considers cracking a smile but thinks better of it.
Trending up (spirit of the season edition): Andrew Whitworth, Anthony Davis, Nick Walsh. The Los Angeles Rams tackle (one that got away, Bengals) donated nearly 600 bicycles to every kid at an elementary school in Watts. Whitworth, going strong at 36, talked to the youngsters about character before the trucks were unloaded.
Trending down: Harbaugh's khakis, Derek Jeter, Bengals. Michigan's football team held its awards banquet last week. A silent auction was part of the event. One of the items up for bid was an autographed pair of Jim Harbaugh's khaki pants. Bidding started at $900. Turns out that was just a suggestion. Nobody bid on the pants.
Knucklehead of the Week
Georgia freshman defensive back Latavious Brini has more to worry about these days than Baker Mayfield. Brini was arrested last week for passing a fake $100 bill at a pet store. (He does play for the Bulldogs.) Brini allegedly bought an item worth $8 and got a clean 92 bucks in change. The store didn’t realize that the bill was fake until it went to the bank. The alleged crime was committed last summer, so it must have been one thorough investigation. Three Bulldogs have been arrested since UGA won the SEC Championship Game.