“Earnie Shavers,” my father said, “meet my son.”
It’s the only time in my life I can remember my father exhibiting any type of pride in me.
When he and my mother divorced, I didn’t have time to play baseball (which I wanted to do) because I started working at 13-years-old and helped take care of my younger brothers and sister. I didn’t start playing basketball until he was very sick. He didn’t live enough to see me obtain my license to judge amateur boxing in Oklahoma and professional boxing in Ohio or any other life milestones, for that matter.
Who knows if anything I accomplished would have made him as proud as introducing me to a man who forgot me as soon as he walked past.
I do know that when parents exhibit pride in their children, it makes them feel good about themselves and helps them understand that even in failure, they have someone who believes in them.
That’s especially important in a father-son relationship. Fathers influence their sons from a young age in several ways. Sons often mirror their father’s behavior so setting a good (or bad) example has a life-long impact. A father who shows affection and warmth can help increase their son’s self-esteem. With the guidance of a strong yet loving father, young boys have a better chance of avoiding depression, anxiety, and aggression, according to Psychology Today,
I had none of that guidance. It took me years, until my mid-adult life, to understand that my sometimes-aloof personality, occasional lack of self-worth and fleeting confidence could be directly tied to my lack of an empathetic father.
I vowed not to make the same mistake with my son and hope that he’s mirroring the good parts of me and ignoring the bad.
But I also try to make sure I’m available for all of my children when they need and stay out of the way when they don’t (I don’t always succeed at that).
That’s why the best Father’s Day gift isn’t what you get from your children, but what you’ve given to help them navigate life’s complexities.
Children become more stable adults when growing up when they have emotionally available fathers who show their sons and daughters affection and attention. That early influence carries throughout life because even as 30-, 40- and 50-somethings, those “children” still seek advice, guidance and affirmation.
Those later-in-life moments tell the real tale of a successful fatherhood. It’s easy for children to listen to their dad when they’re young because they want to believe in him.
The true test comes when they’re grown. If they keep calling, hugging and smiling when they see you, you don’t need Father’s Day adulation to know your worth.
You just need the children you helped mold.
Ray Marcano’s column appears each Sunday on these pages.
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