Newport left prison and started on her road to redemption. She now has a master’s degree and specializes in helping people transition from prison and reenter society. Her Mother’s Day story is one of guilt, encouragement, and forgiveness.
These are her words, edited lightly for clarity.
“The first time that I was incarcerated, I was young, so I’m not sure I understood the impact that incarceration was having on myself, my family, and my son. I was devastated, heartbroken, and sad to be separated from my child and my family. I think my second incarceration was more impactful. I already had my son and now my daughter. So that was very emotional, you know, lots of shame and guilt based upon my decisions and separation from my family. It was taking more of a toll on my son. He was getting older, and he understood more, so it was causing a lot more damage to our relationship. I felt the guilt and shame of being a mother who was incarcerated. But I also felt the guilt and shame of my mother and grandmother having to facilitate visits and coming to see me.
So the bittersweet thing that resonates with me is that during my third incarceration, my mother passed away, and she passed away unexpectedly six months before my release. So that was, that was the turning point for me. That just really rocked me at my core.
There were a few different things that stood out during that time. Most obviously, I was worried about not being able to comfort and console my children, especially my son. He was a teenager experiencing death for the first time. And I was tired of being incarcerated. I was tired of disappointing my family, tired of disappointing my children. I wasn’t present for them.
I had been in prison three times and only had a GED. I had some work experience, but only enough to get a job that paid little money. I learned that the chemical dependency field was a forgiving field that allowed people with a criminal background to have gainful employment. And I wanted to help other people.
As a returning citizen (someone who was once incarcerated), there’s a stigma and judgment attached to that. I guess that’s because my life looks different. Those things still happened, right? But people will be around me and still judge people who are in jail or have committed a crime. They’ve removed me from that equation, but I’m still offended by those remarks.
Mother’s Day is bittersweet for me. There is still a huge void from abruptly losing my mother. I hope I’ve made her my family and my children proud since I’ve turned my life around. And for those struggling with making the right choices or who are currently incarcerated and away from their children, I encourage you to forgive yourselves. It’s too heavy a burden to carry past guilt while trying to be a better person today.
I have been able to enjoy my kids since being home. We have been on vacation together, which I have been able to finance. I genuinely enjoy being able to pay bills for my kids so they have somewhere to live. And I’m here for them. Being a mom and a decent human is a huge reward and payoff compared to the life I once lived."
Ray Marcano’s column appears on these pages each Sunday.