To lose a baby is not only to lose a beloved family member, but also to lose a lifetime of wishes, desires, plans and dreams. Because women are typically discouraged from sharing news of their pregnancies until 12 weeks or later, they are often isolated in their grief, with nothing but maybe an ultrasound photo or the sound of an early heartbeat upon which to focus. Coworkers and family don’t know, and sometimes ask very personal questions about pregnancy without considering what a woman might have experienced.
To lose an infant is often to face profound silence from others, who feel afraid to reach out for fear of offending the loss family. Many women carry a tremendous sense of responsibility and guilt for their losses, blaming themselves and their bodies for complications in their pregnancies that were beyond their control. Sometimes, when facing a maddening lack of satisfying answers to the question, why did this happen to me, it just becomes easier to carry the blame ourselves. This guilt can develop into intense anxiety and depression during future pregnancies, as a result of unresolved, complex grief. In fact, women who go through pregnancy and infant loss, particularly without support, are significantly more likely to develop future perinatal mental health challenges.
Before the grief begins, women often experience medical trauma, either in the ultrasound room or medical office as they are told their babies no longer have a heartbeat; in the ER, where miscarriage is often dismissed as a non-emergency situation; or sometimes in emergent, life-threatening situations, such as ectopic pregnancy, preeclampsia, or complicated infant loss. Each of these situations can be experienced as trauma, and women can develop symptoms of PTSD that last for years to come. Untreated PTSD can also result in chronic anxiety and depression, as well as aversion to medical care in the future. Without a safe place to open up about these experiences, women can feel the mental health impacts of pregnancy and infant loss in widespread and damaging ways.
We can do better, as a community, to support those experiencing loss. Please, if someone you know has lost a pregnancy or an infant, set aside your discomfort and consider reaching out with gentle curiosity. Be ready to listen without judgment. Tell her you’re sorry, and ask her if she’d like to say what her loss meant to her.
Some women may be ready to share the emotional and physical details of their experiences. Some women will be grateful you asked, but may not want to talk about it at all. Some women may feel the loss in intense waves. Others may experience relief, and may not have a strong experience of grief. Here’s an understatement: Pregnancy changes women’s lives in irrevocable ways, and it is entirely normal to have dissonant and complex feelings about loss. Everyone’s personal response to loss is their own, informed by who they are and what they’ve been through. And the very best thing we can do is show up to say, We see you, and we are here.
Megan Lobsinger, LPCC, is a mental health counselor working with women at Axia Women’s Health a regional OB/Gyn clinic.
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