LOCAL RESOURCES AND SUPPORT GROUPS
GriefShare: weekly meetings at 7 p.m. Tuesdays at The Refuge, 4151 Weisenberger Road, Lebanon. www.therefugenow.com. Contact: Beverly Barr: (513) 477.1177
Walking Through Grief: night class from 7 to 8 p.m. the second and fourth Tuesdays of every month. The day class will meet from 10 to 11 a.m. the second and fourth Thursdays of every month. Both classes meet at Christ the King Lutheran Church, 50 Nutt Road, Centerville. Contact: Pathways of Hope: (937) 258.4991
Dayton Children's Medical Center Bereaved parent support group: Families who have experienced their child's death through accident or illness may participate in group sessions offered in a variety of formats. Extended family and friends are also welcome. Contact: Charlotte Lemming or Stacy Hobbs at (937) 641-5300; Cecilia Sledge at (937) 641-8980; or Tom O'Neill (Care and Comfort) at (937) 641-4663.
Dayton Children's Medical Center Perinatal loss support group: Families who have experienced their baby's death at any time during pregnancy (including miscarriage or stillbirth) or after birth may join this drop-in group. Extended family and friends are also welcome. Meetings are held the second Tuesday of each month from 7 to 8:30 p.m. at Dayton Children's. Contact: Mary Ann Swank at (937) 641-3463
Oak Tree Corner provides year-round support for children and teens, ages 3 to 18, who have experienced the death of someone special. An adult parent or caregiver also attends the meetings. Contact: (937) 285-0199 or www.oaktreecorner.com
Compassionate Friends (for parents whose children have died) Miami Valley Chapter meets at Sugar Creek Presbyterian Church in Kettering on the third Wednesday of the month from 7 to 9 p.m. Contact: (937) 640-2621.
Compassionate Friends Miami County Chapter meets at the Nashville United Church of Christ in West Milton on the fourth Thursday of each month from 7 to 9 p.m. Contact: (937) 836-5939.
HEAL bereavement program, which meets the third Tuesday of the month at Atrium Medical Center. Contact (513) 705-4056, ext. 6292.
Mercy Hospice (Springfield area): Contact: (937) 390-9665
SIDS or SUID support: Contact: (937) 339-9794
When her son died of a brain aneurysm on Dec. 16, 1984, Beverly Barr says she began a process of grief and recovery that she continues to this day.
During that process, the it was the Bible that brought her comfort, specifically Psalm 9:9 — “The Lord is a refuge in times of trouble.”
She visited many support groups, but never found one that made her feel more comfortable, so she founded The Refuge in Lebanon, where she says many people come through with the same feelings of isolation.
“Whether a person is new to grief or has never been to a support group, probably their first questions will be, ‘What’s normal? How do I manage these feelings? Is life ever going to get better?’ ” Barr said. “… Life will return to normal eventually. A new normal.”
Support programs
Pathways of Hope, a program of Hospice of Dayton providing counseling and support groups for bereaved, expanded its program to include two support groups a week.
“We offer grief support services for anyone in the community that’s bereaved,” said M. Bernadine Parks, director of Pathways of Hope. “The holidays are a tough time for folks.”
Parks noted feelings of grief are normal around the holidays, with the season so heavily focused on family and loved ones.
“That first holiday is pretty tough for folks when those holidays are a time that we’re thinking about family and nostalgia,” Parks said. “We tend to idealize them a lot as a time when everyone comes together.”
Barr’s faith-based program in Lebanon focuses on handling grief ‘like waves of an ocean,’ giving oneself permission to grieve in a unique way and ‘leaning into it’ as it comes.
“We suggest they write things down in a notebook,” Barr said. “To put thoughts and emotions down on paper helps identify it.”
It’s important to allow oneself the necessary time to grieve; life will return to a normalcy eventually, but to give time to acknowledge the heartache and not to feel rushed about it will help, Barr said.
“Give yourself permission not to go to the cemetery if it’s going to upset you, or give yourself permission not to go to a party and it’s going to make you feel worse,” she said.
A unique process for everyone
Parks said that it can be a matter of “planning” for the holiday season — to expect and allow oneself to feel the sadness without letting it overwhelm them.
“Folks go through that first holiday sort of predicting it to be hard.” Parks said, “I think people are sometimes surprised even years after the loss, they have an awareness of the loss and the grief comes to the fore again.”
Parks noted its normal to want to do things differently or mix in new traditions for the holidays, as part of helping establish a new normal.
It can also be healthy to consider a gift or a donation for the memory of the person lost. Parks said she sometimes encourages buying a gift one might give the lost loved one and donating it to a charity or shelter.
Faith as a cornerstone
Denise Weaver, associate pastor at Fairmont Presbyterian Church, said her church's annual program, 'Help Through the Holidays, Hope After Loss' seeks to help use faith in the healing.
“We affirm where they are. People are their own best authorities. If they need a complete break from Christmas traditions, and it’s too painful, then don’t do them. Find something else to do. Some have decided they need to leave town, where others want to repeat the traditions and forge ahead. Do what’s best for you.”
She noted everyone heals at different rates; as such it’s about “permission giving,” not to feel rushed about their grief or feel guilty for how they choose to deal with it.
“The hope is we will be reunited with this loved one at some future time in our own death,” she said. “It brings us hope that God is walking with us though this experience. It makes a difference. People rely on the comfort and compassion of God, and the church reaching out to them.”
It was faith that helped Barr through her own experience, she said, and faith that inspired her to form a group to help others.
“You may feel a disconnect from what the rest of the world is feeling; like everyone else thinks this is the happiest time of the year,” Weaver said. “You may not feel that. And that’s OK.”
Supporting a friend
As isolated and lonely as one might feel through the holidays, sometimes the company of others can unintentionally make things worse, Barr said.
“So many people don’t know what to say to you when you’re grieving, and they end up saying something that makes you feel worse,” she said. “Our program teaches people how to respond in a kind way.”
She noted that, for coworkers, friends and family members of a grieving person, it’s important not to be afraid to mention the person who has died, or to send the person a nice card, or even to rent a funny m
“Some other people will be quiet and leave it as an elephant in the room to avoid the situation. Many people want to talk about the one they lost, and that just makes them feel the loss even more.”
Even for those who have never themselves lost a loved one, Parks said it’s important to be supportive of them as they grieve — allowing them to do so in their own ways, or inviting them to be with friends.
Most importantly, though, Parks said, it’s important to acknowledge the loss.
“It never hurts to say to someone, ‘I’m really thinking of you and how this might be a tough holiday’ to acknowledge it,” Parks said. “Sometimes people get frustrated to see others act like nothing’s happened. Making the acknowledgement, sometimes that’s all that needs to be said.”
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