— Kelli
A: Bad news. You are both wrong. Time-out doesn’t work with difficult kids, and the idea of giving attention to negative behaviors is galactically stupid.
Time-out doesn’t work because it simultaneously creates a power struggle and rejects the child, thus creating a kid who is determined to get control back from the parent. This, in turn, hurts his or her self-esteem and damages the relationship between child and parent. Kids who are not having their need for their fair share of control met will not be able to process why they are being punished, especially if anger is used by the parent. In other words, they will not be able to “think about what they did” while they have been banished to wherever their time-out area is. Kids who have control taken from them in this way will become more determined to regain control by using passive or overt aggression.
The part of the current research to which you are referring that says time-out causes emotional damage to kids is correct. But as with almost all research created by medical doctors who have little or no actual experience dealing with difficult kids, their suggestion of what to do instead of time-out is absolutely ludicrous. The idea of having a “time-in,” whereby you coddle the child and form a loving connection with the kid immediately after they have acted out is just absolute garbage. This will reinforce the negative behavior. It’s not rocket science: when you give attention to a negative behavior, it reinforces the behavior. Furthermore, doing this tricks your kid into thinking that, in life, you can be an obnoxious jerk and someone will be there to hug you and explain to you, in great detail, what you are doing wrong and how it makes them feel.
When will your kid learn that this is not the way the world works? He will learn this when he goes to school. No teacher in the real world has the time to sit one-on-one, hold hands, and sing Kumbaya with every kid who acts out. Even if they did have time to do this, they wouldn’t because teachers who actually work with kids know that giving attention to negative behaviors results in exponentially more negative behaviors. Even if your kid never learns at school that he can only be around people for as long as he is not causing a problem, he will eventually learn this via your local police department or by a person punching him in the face. So the question is this: do you want to teach your kid this lesson now, when the price tag is as low as it will ever be, or do you want someone else to teach him later, when the consequences of being obnoxious are significantly higher?
You are probably asking what’s left. How can we let the child know that he can only be around people while being pleasant while not rejecting him or using anger? The answer is a simple Love and Logic(R) technique called the recovery process. This is how I would use it with your 4 year old, as he is yelling while knocking dishes off of the kitchen table.
Kid Whisperer: Oh, man. This is sad. Can you be here without causing a problem, or do you need to go to your spot upstairs?
Kid knocks over a glass of milk while looking at Kid Whisperer.
Kid Whisperer: (singing like a doorbell) Uh-oh.
Kid Whisperer gently picks up the child and carries him to his spot somewhere away from the family, repeatedly singing “uh-oh” all the while. As soon as the child is placed in his recovery spot, the following is said as Kid Whisperer walks away.
Kid Whisperer: Feel free to come back as soon as you can be pleasant. We want you to be with us!
That’s it. No anger, lectures, warnings, or threats! No rejection or frustration. No coddling, no giving attention to negative behaviors. When the kid comes back and is unpleasant, we simply say “uh-oh” and repeat the quick and easy delivery to his spot away from the family. To find out how to use recovery with kids who are too big to carry, feel free to go to my website. Don’t forget to tell them that they can come back as long as they are pleasant!
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