Under the present rules, a car owner gets up to a $4,500 rebate in government money if he turns in his car at the dealership for a more fuel-efficient car. The purpose is to improve new-car sales and get these gas hogs off the road.
As anyone who has done time in a South Austin apartment complex can tell you, a clunker is a lot more than a gas guzzler.
Besides, to qualify, the old car has to be drivable.
A clunker has to run? When did that start?
Sadly, there are many factors to clunkerness, or clunkerism, that the feds are ignoring. At least once a week, do you ask a stranger in an parking lot, “Got any jumper cables?” Is that you, pal? You got a clunker.
Let’s say you drive up for a job interview, and, through the window, the interviewer sees you arrive. He notices your muffler dragging on the ground and the duct-taped passenger side window and he immediately disqualifies you. Just throws your file in the trash. You, sir, are driving a clunker.
There are several other factors.
Do you own a car a woman just won’t get in? Clunker.
Can you prove that a small wild animal (skunk, possum, you pick it) hasn’t given birth somewhere in the vehicle in the past six months? If you can’t, it might be a clunker.
Is your brother-in-law living out of the back end? Are those his pants piled on the back seat? If they are, it’s a clunker. But the larger question is this: Can you turn in your brother-in-law at the dealership as a clunker, and claim the $4,500?
There’s another kind of clunker that ought to be included: How about that popular model I call the sticker car?
If that’s not a clunker, then Colt McCoy isn’t a quarterback.
You have seen this sort of clunker perhaps. It’s an older model, held together by bumper stickers urging you to save a variety of things — everything from your cans to the planet.
If you’re afraid to remove all your save-the-whatever (creek, aquifer, trees, poetry slam, garage band) bumper stickers from your car because the rear end might fall off from lack of glue, it’s a clunker.
So, in fairness to the American public, shouldn’t we open the gates to include vehicles other than those that suck down gasoline like it was, well, gasoline? The Cash for Clunkers program should widen the tent.
John Kelso writes for the Austin
(Texas)
American-Statesman. E-mail: jkelso
@
statesman.com.