Those dang evil magical pygmy elves broke in my wardrobe and shrunk at least a quarter of my clothes.
It was a heck of a discovery and, like you, I am stunned.
Now it all makes sense.
Dang blasted evil magical pygmy elves are surely the reason I can not fit the conductor-style Oshkosh B’gosh bib overall shorts I lived in between senior year of high school and college graduation.
Now I know why all of those mini dresses I wore in my early 20s now fit more like shirts than dresses.
Rat evil magical pygmy elves jerks turned my closet full of dresses into a closet full of tunics.
Disturbing.
The atrocity inflicted on me can not be forgiven or overstated.
It just isn’t right.
What did I do to these horribly dirty and unkind evil magical pygmy elves?
The answer: freedom.
Evil magical pygmy elves hate America and freedom.
A pox on their houses for the pox they placed on my clothes.
Thanks to those evil magical pygmy elves never again will I wear that green “Little House On The Prairie”-style dress I wore to my first grown up job interview.
I could tell the interviewer was impressed with my selection. Her eyes danced when I floated like a princess in the door.
It was grandma-in-church classy, but not grandma-at-Golden Corral flashy.
The dress’ elaborate ruffles and coin-inspired buttons were my outward expression of confidence and youthful optimism.
I don’t know how those sicko evil magical pygmy elves got in or why they decided to shrink my clothes, but they knew how to hurt me.
They didn’t stop at vintage wares from my Fruit of the Loop days.
They hid clothing I bought a few years ago after I lost a decent amount of weight — I was nearly back to my Oshkosh fighting weight.
Like my classic frocks and jeans that someday will come back into style (just wait), those newer clothes are tinnier due to the evil magical pygmy elves and their ruthlessness.
I am left with three options: lose weight, root out the evil magical pygmy elves, mope or/and buy new clothes.
I’ve decided to go with a combined approach in response to this difficult situation.
Naturally, I will mope first.
Why are evil magical clothes shrinking pygmy elves so cruel? Waaaah.
Next I will root out the elves and follow them to their hidden, sin-covered caves. Evil magical pygmy elves leave tracks that look like sorrow.
Finally, I will buy new clothes.
The only way to break a curse that has been cast by dreadfully evil magical pygmy elves is to buy more stuff.
New stuff is the answer to bad stuff, isn’t it?
I shall keep the shrunken artifacts as reminders of why I started my vendetta against those vile evil magical pygmy elves.
Justice shall prevail.
Contact this columnist at arobinson@DaytonDailyNews.com or Twitter.com/DDNSmartMouth
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