Ack! Where are the words!?
We stammer, stumble or — worse yet — say the first thing that comes to mind, because we somehow think we have to say something. Anything.
This is especially true at the funeral home. We stand in a long line for a long time, generally think about the demands of our own lives (what time to pick up the kids, what to get at the grocery) and then we’re given a few moments to express our sympathies with the grieving wife and family.
This is a big moment. It calls for the right touch. Does anyone ever teach us how to handle this? No. For some reason I took a whole year of Geometry, but for something as important as grief we’re on our own.
Try this. I’d formulated much of this over the years (because we lawyers are known to be so compassionate, right?), but it really became clear to me last year when my mother-in-law and my dad died within five months of one another.
I’ll call it the three-two principle — three things you don’t say and two that you do. Follow this and those moments at the funeral home may not feel so awkward next time.
The first thing you don’t do is ask the family how they are. Yes, it’s common courtesy and has good intentions, but it’s not a helpful question. The truth is they want to throw up and just go home. But, since they won’t tell you that, they’ll tell you they’re fine and then they’ll smile, and no one gets anything out of that conversation, especially the family.
Instead, say, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. But you look like you’re holding up the best you can.” That’ll be greeted with a gentle smile that’s says thank you.
This leads to the second no-no, and this is my biggest pet peeve whether it’s death, divorce or any other difficult life circumstance. Don’t talk about your own loss, unless you’re asked.
I think we do that to demonstrate some shared bond between us and the grieving family. But the fact that you had a parent die 15 years ago doesn’t really do that. Instead, it makes the conversation about your loss and not theirs, something you may have already talked about. Today is their time, so honor it.
Third, don’t ask whether there’s anything you can do. Instead, just offer it. If the grieving family knows you well enough, they’ll ask you to do something before you offer it. If they don’t, they won’t, even when you ask.
So, instead, say, “I’ve made a chicken pot pie that I’ll bring over tomorrow afternoon. You are such a wonderful family.” Ah, another smile.
You’re doing great so far.
Now, keep two other things in mind.
First, tell the bereaved that their loved one was a special person. If you say nothing else at all, tell them that. This will at least invite a sense of assurance that their loved one led a meaningful life, and that means more than anything.
Sometimes all people need is an invitation to take the conversation deeper. “Yes, he was, wasn’t he? He did so many things ...” You’ll be helping by letting them talk.
Second, think ahead and remember a story about the person’s life that you can share. Make it insightful into their personality or character. Also, make it funny if you can, for there is nothing that soothes the soul like a good laugh.
I remember the day my grandmother died. It was only four days after my grandfather had died.
They had been married for their entire adult lives, having had five children and countless experiences together. And now they had died within four days of one another.
I remember someone joking with my mom, “You know, as big a cut up as your dad was, I can just see him right now saying, ‘Juanita, can’t I ever get a moment’s peace away from you?’”
I’ve remembered that story ever since I was a kid. I was struck by the power of the right thing to say. And learned from it, too.
Life’s pain is inevitable, which is unfortunate. Since we’re all in this together, there will be times when we have to be there for one another.
Don’t just SAY something.
Say SOMETHING.
Jeff Kirby is a lawyer and writer who lives in Springboro. He can be reached at jeffkirby1@aol.com.