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I am of course talking about Canadian geese.
Don’t tell them.
The last thing I need is a flock of these winged, blacktop terrors invading my landscape.
We all know this species well.
They are the big ole, gray-bodied birds with a black head and a long black neck that do whatever they want whenever they want.
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Despite the name, the Canadian geese in these parts aren’t even from the Great White North.
They are Buckeyes, not Canucks.
In the early 1950s, the Ohio Division of Wildlife reintroduced Canadian Geese to the state, and they made themselves right at home, raising generations of offspring.
Nowadays they live like bosses.
And they have left their marks (if you get my drift) on our most sacred institutions: buildings, bike paths, schools, banks…
Lines of Canadian geese do not obey traffic laws. They walk across the street whenever and wherever they want.
No police officer worth his or her salt would ever attempt to give a Canada goose a jaywalking ticket.
Canadian geese go (if you know what I mean) wherever they want.
Related: (May 2, 2010): Giant geese pose giant problems
There is no one walking behind them with a plastic Kroger bag, pooper scooper or a litter box shovel.
“It” stays where “it” landed, if you know what I mean.
For those among us who get the reference (Google “Honey Badger video” if you don’t), Canadian geese are the Honey Badgers of the sky and land.
They don’t need your approval.
They don’t want you to pet them. Seriously, don’t try to pet a Canada goose. That would be a mistake.
Google “Canada goose attack” if you don’t believe me.
Related (March, 8, 2015): Once migratory birds find home sweet home in Midwest
Let them graze your lawn and splash in the water, but do not take Canadian geese for fools.
Branta canadensis is not to be toyed with.
They ain’t afraid of no ghost and they ain’t afraid of no human.
Get too close to a Canada goose in that loving mood (if you know what I mean) and he’ll let you know why that was a mistake.
Get too close to one of their eggs or goslings, and you will hear all about it.
Canadian geese have things to do and places to go.
Respect that or hear its roar, well, honk.
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