Rookie Davis (255 pounds) vs. Andre Smith (325 pounds): Hot dog eating contest. Smith gets off to a fast start before straining his jaw and slipping on a ketchup bottle. The injury-prone Bengals tackle opens the season on the PUP list. Lewis is not happy and tries to call off the main event.
Tony Stewart vs. Bobby Rahal: Golf cart race. Stewart spins out when his cart loses it in the corner because there’s too much Eldora Speedway mud caked on the tires. But Rahal is disqualified for showing up with a set of Calloway irons tied to a Corvette pace car.
Hal McCoy vs. Marty Brennaman: Best Pete Rose story. Bucky Albers is the judge trying to keep a straight face as the two hall-of-famers spin yarns that won’t help the Hit King’s standing with the MLB commish.
Cardale Jones will graduate today at Ohio State University, adding to his folk hero status. Jones splashed onto the national scene in October 2012 with his famous "we ain't come to play school" tweet. He recovered from that slipup to lead the Buckeyes to a national championship. Urban Meyer should host Jones' grad party, because without that kid Ohio State is still looking for its first national title since the night the Buckeyes upset Miami (Fla.) in the desert. Congrats, Cardale.
Trending up: Aaron Judge, Marcell Ozuna, Isaiah Thomas. Judge, the Yankees slugger who could double as a pro wrestler, became the first rookie to slug 13 home runs in his first 25 games. He's listed at 6-foot-7, 282 pounds, so if baseball doesn't work out he could play football or be a bouncer. The key to Judge's rise to stardom: not chasing curveballs out of the strike zone.
Trending down: Mouthy fans, Randy Gregory, Tony Parker. Orioles outfielder Adam Jones said last week he was called the N-word in Boston. Golden State's Draymond Green said he, too, has been the target of racial taunts. What is with people? Go to the game, cheer for your team and don't be an idiot. Nice job by the Fenway Park fans who gave Jones a standing ovation Wednesday night.
Knucklehead of the Week
Michael Oher, the NFL tackle who became famous upon the release of The Blind Side in 2009, is facing a misdemeanor charge after getting into a confrontation with an Uber driver in Nashville. According to police, Oher thought the driver was trying to run up the bill. When his party asked to stop at a gas station, the driver opened the door. Words were exchanged and Oher allegedly treated him like a high school defensive end, pushing him to the ground and kicking him. The Panthers lineman is due in court Monday, and we can only hope that Sandra Bullock shows up to scold him and anyone else who crosses her path.