Second Thoughts: Why stop at Hamilton vs. Ross?

Credit: DaytonDailyNews

Combined ShapeCaption
Bengals WR responds to the challenge from Reds CF Billy Hamilton to a race and talks about his long lost baseball career.

Credit: DaytonDailyNews

The dozens of fans who braved Friday’s late-night Reds-Giants game looked miserable. I don’t think I would’ve gone even if someone had offered me a pair of Big Baller basketball shoes and a kayak to use on that new downtown river feature.

Billy Hamilton vs. John Ross. A race between these two speedsters is the kind of entertainment we need in southwest Ohio. My money would be on the Reds center fielder, but the Bengals rookie has the credentials to make it interesting. Hamilton is all in, suggesting that the burners tear it up for charity. Bengals coach Marvin Lewis isn't fond of the idea, mumbling something about injuries.

I think the race could serve as the main event to an attractive card featuring several Ohio sports celebrities in contests of skill, brute strength and good old-fashioned nonsense. The preliminary bouts:

Mike Brown vs. Bob Castellini: Extracting a cork from a fine bottle of wine. Castellini wins after Brown is distracted by a group of guys in orange jumpsuits picking up trash. “Is that our team?” asks the Bengals owner. Castellini pours him a glass of Cheval Blanc 1947.

Urban Meyer vs. Marvin Lewis: Most clichés in one interview. The coaches of Ohio’s two pro football teams duke it out, taking it one game at a time. Allie LaForce asks them tough questions such as “how do you feel?” and “what do you have to do to move the ball in the second half?”

Rookie Davis (255 pounds) vs. Andre Smith (325 pounds): Hot dog eating contest. Smith gets off to a fast start before straining his jaw and slipping on a ketchup bottle. The injury-prone Bengals tackle opens the season on the PUP list. Lewis is not happy and tries to call off the main event.

Tony Stewart vs. Bobby Rahal: Golf cart race. Stewart spins out when his cart loses it in the corner because there’s too much Eldora Speedway mud caked on the tires. But Rahal is disqualified for showing up with a set of Calloway irons tied to a Corvette pace car.

Hal McCoy vs. Marty Brennaman: Best Pete Rose story. Bucky Albers is the judge trying to keep a straight face as the two hall-of-famers spin yarns that won’t help the Hit King’s standing with the MLB commish.

Cardale Jones will graduate today at Ohio State University, adding to his folk hero status. Jones splashed onto the national scene in October 2012 with his famous "we ain't come to play school" tweet. He recovered from that slipup to lead the Buckeyes to a national championship. Urban Meyer should host Jones' grad party, because without that kid Ohio State is still looking for its first national title since the night the Buckeyes upset Miami (Fla.) in the desert. Congrats, Cardale.

Trending up: Aaron Judge, Marcell Ozuna, Isaiah Thomas. Judge, the Yankees slugger who could double as a pro wrestler, became the first rookie to slug 13 home runs in his first 25 games. He's listed at 6-foot-7, 282 pounds, so if baseball doesn't work out he could play football or be a bouncer. The key to Judge's rise to stardom: not chasing curveballs out of the strike zone.

Trending down: Mouthy fans, Randy Gregory, Tony Parker. Orioles outfielder Adam Jones said last week he was called the N-word in Boston. Golden State's Draymond Green said he, too, has been the target of racial taunts. What is with people? Go to the game, cheer for your team and don't be an idiot. Nice job by the Fenway Park fans who gave Jones a standing ovation Wednesday night.


Knucklehead of the Week

Michael Oher, the NFL tackle who became famous upon the release of The Blind Side in 2009, is facing a misdemeanor charge after getting into a confrontation with an Uber driver in Nashville. According to police, Oher thought the driver was trying to run up the bill. When his party asked to stop at a gas station, the driver opened the door. Words were exchanged and Oher allegedly treated him like a high school defensive end, pushing him to the ground and kicking him. The Panthers lineman is due in court Monday, and we can only hope that Sandra Bullock shows up to scold him and anyone else who crosses her path.

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