SCARLETT JOHANSSON NAMED “SEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE,” AGAIN: Kate Upton calls for term limits.
SEAN PENN SPONSORS 5 HAITIANS FOR NYC MARATHON: The Kenyans were already taken.
SINEAD O’CONNOR SAYS SIMON COWELL “MURDERED MUSIC”: Miley Cyrus “twerked” on its grave.
ALEX RODRIGUEZ SUES MLB OVER DOPING INVESTIGATION: It makes his centrifuged blood boil.
EMINEM’S DAUGHTER CROWNED HOMECOMING QUEEN: This year’s theme was “Stairway to Rehab.”
ALICIA KEYS SAYS SHE BELIEVES IN ALIENS: It explains Nicki Minaj.
QUENTIN TARANTINO LISTS “THE LONE RANGER” AS ONE OF HIS FAVORITE FILMS OF THE YEAR: He wants to do a sequel called “DTonto.”
DAVID LETTERMAN EXTENDS “LATE SHOW” DEAL THROUGH 2015: He wants to break Andy Rooney’s record for “Longest-running grumpy old man on television.”
FICTIONAL ANCHOR RON BURGUNDY PITCHES FOR CHRYSLER: Velour upholstery is back!
FAMED ASTROPHYSICIST NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON FINDS INACCURACIES IN “GRAVITY”: Which is why astrophysicists never get invited to parties.
“BREAKING BAD’S” BRYAN CRANSTON HEADING TO BROADWAY: He wanted to do something lighter, like “Sweeney Todd.”
“BAYWATCH” ACTRESSES HAD CONTRACT WEIGHT CLAUSE: That’s nothing compared to David Hasselhoff’s chest clause.
HONG KONG DISNEYLAND TO OPEN “IRON MAN EXPERIENCE” IN 2016: He’ll do battle with Japan’s “Iron Chef.”
LADY GAGA POSES NUDE FOR “ARTPOP” COVER: And pretty much everything else.
BRUCE AND KRIS JENNER ANNOUNCE SEPARATION: Kris wants the house, kids and custody of the camera crew.
— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, TERRY MORRIS
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