Boost my love life? Delete.
Save $116 for online guitar lessons? Delete.
Claim my $3 million lottery prize from … wait. Guitar lessons? Maybe I shouldn’t have been so hasty with that one.
Because high on my list of secret ambitions — along with becoming an all-pro running back and an opera singer or standup comedian during the off-season — is learning to play the guitar.
I’m not sure why. For some reason, though, I frequently picture myself sitting in the living room with my family, strumming a guitar while we all sing “Bye, bye American pie” in semi-perfect harmony. The fantasy always includes me playing the guitar and not some other instrument. I never imagined my family singing “Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry” accompanied by me playing the tuba.
But it’s probably too late to make that fantasy happen.
For one thing my fingers, not all that nimble in their prime, aren’t getting any nimbler with age. And then there’s my musical track record. In my hands, the music didn’t just die, it committed suicide.
When I was 7, my family moved to a rented house that included a battered old upright piano in the parlor. How long ago that was should be obvious from the fact that the house had a room called a parlor.
My mother took our move as a sign, though, and arranged for me to take piano lessons. After six painful months I still wasn’t able to keep track of all 88 keys and my entire piano repertoire consisted of “Hot Cross Buns.”
Unwilling to accept the fact that her son wasn’t destined for musical greatness, mom prodded me into trying the violin when I reached junior high. For a teenager whose only goal in life was to be considered cool, what could be cooler than carrying a violin case to school?
My violin playing was even more painful to hear than my piano playing, but my mother must have been even more tone deaf than I, because she convinced the minister at our church that his congregation would be inspired if I performed at a Sunday morning service. I played “Rock of Ages,” and it was estimated that my performance inspired at least one-third of the congregation to explore atheism.
So even with a $116 coupon, it’s probably just as well that I deleted the guitar lessons message.
Not to mention the one about boosting my love life.
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