As they go around the circle, the women of the Noble Circle alumni group are asked to pick a number that means something to them. Diane Butler-Hughes shouts out, “50! When I was younger, I would think, ‘50 — oh my God, that’s old. I turned 50 a few weeks ago, and it was the best day of my life. When I was 40, I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. I didn’t know if I would make it to 50.”
Debbie Mann of Kettering offers a more poignant number: “52. It’s the age my husband was when he died.”
It is only three weeks since they graduated, but the women of Noble Circle Group 11 are now full-fledged alumni, and many of them attend the annual alumni retreat at the Jesuit Spiritual Center in Milford, hungry for the kind of fellowship they experienced during the intensive 10-week program.
After all, study after study has shown that “some kind of support network promotes healing,” as Butler-Hughes observes.
This is a much larger circle than the one to which the women of Group 11 had grown accustomed — a circle that welcomes any of the 153 women who have graduated from the 10-week program since 2004.
A pile of granite stones is placed in the middle of the circle, representing the “heart stones” — the emotional burdens — the women are encouraged to unload. Mann steps forward and says, “It wasn’t until joining this group that I have been able to let go of my husband’s death nine years ago. I need to move on with my life.”
After graduating, the 15 women of Noble Circle Group 11 continue to lean on each other, visiting one another in the hospital or at home after surgery; offering advice about nutrition and medications; and most importantly, just listening to one another. “I know that I have formed lifelong bonds,” says Katie Thorp of Tipp City.
‘It’s taking a toll on me’
After the retreat’s extended circle, the women move into smaller, more intimate “sharing circles” that concludes every weekly meeting during the program. Here, they can talk about everything — from unresolved family issues to cancer treatments to the more mundane problems of being overscheduled.
“I’ve been divorced since 1980, but the other night I felt like calling my ex-husband to tell him you were cruel and mean and I didn’t deserve that,” says Group 11’s Karen Sheeler of Dayton. “I was thinking about it because my son is in a new relationship, and I wanted him to know that his father’s behavior wasn’t normal and that his father’s anger wasn’t his fault.”
Belinda Guendulay of Beavercreek, from Group 9, confides that she has trouble relaxing: “When I get the opportunity to sit, I don’t do it very well. In some ways, it’s an escape mechanism.”
Observes Kristy Kinsel of Xenia, from Group 10, “One of the gifts of my diagnosis is that I have learned to say ‘no’ more often and that people can manage without me. We as women are supposed to do it all — but you can’t do it all and I know that now. I’ve learned a nice way of saying ‘no,’ but I have learned to say it.”
That lesson was about to be reinforced for Butler-Hughes, one of the four surviving founders of The Noble Circle Project. She’s here as a facilitator, but tonight she needs the help of her Noble Circle sisters.
“I had a PET scan done in December and the tumor markers were way down, but this visit it had metastasized all through the skeletal system. My mom’s 85 and I’m doing more and more with her, and my husband just lost his job after 18 years. It’s taking a toll on me.”
As Butler-Hughes breaks into tears, the other women encircle her with their arms and their reassurances. “You should know what a courageous and compassionate person you are,” says Jeanie Felker of Yellow Springs.
Butler-Hughes smiles and gently mocks herself, "I'm the one who's supposed to be helping you."
‘Everybody has a story’
For Sheeler, the lessons of the sharing circle take root weeks later. She doesn’t give in to the emotional impulse to confront her ex-husband; instead she writes poetry that she shares with her son. “And I sat down and talked with my son and his girlfriend about what’s healthy and what’s not healthy in a relationship,” Sheeler says. “Otherwise, it’s too easy to repeat those patterns.”
Her second marriage, to Ernie Sheeler, has proven a far more positive example. The pair dated through high school at the Ohio Sailors and Soldiers Home in Xenia. They broke up senior year and eventually married other people. “The orphanage proved to be a bond that superceded anything else,” Ernie recalls. “We went through so much. We had to leave, to go out on our own. On graduation day, they wanted you to be off campus by 5 o’clock.”
When his first wife died from breast cancer, Ernie got back in touch with Karen, who had divorced. There was an idyllic quality to their marriage until Karen noticed an indentation in her breast. “That’s not good,” she told herself. Her mother had died from breast cancer when Karen was 12; her older sister is a breast-cancer survivor.
Why couldn’t their romance keep its fairy-tale ending? The couple never wasted any time playing the ‘why me?’ game. “It’s just life,” Ernie says. “Everybody has a story. If you don’t have a story, your story is just around the corner.”
Sheeler never doubted that Ernie, a counselor at Fairborn Primary School, would be there for her; he accompanies her at every doctor’s appointment and chemotherapy treatment. He says the staff has been very supportive, allowing time off work and even coming over to weed Sheeler’s beloved garden. “They made it clear they’re doing it for my wife, and not for me,” Ernie says with a grin.
Sheeler was cancer-free for three years after her initial round of treatments. Then, in December 2007, she learned the cancer had metastasized to her bones; it is now considered incurable.
Still, they focus on their blessings. They enjoy life in Dayton’s Wright-Dunbar Village and their unique home whose facade is a replica of the Wright brothers’ boyhood home.
“We have so much support,” Sheeler says.
Adds Ernie, “We’re honest with each other and we cry a lot.”
‘We are in charge together’
Dr. William Rigano is trying his best to scold Rhonda Traylor: She shouldn’t be lifting anything more than five pounds. She should be taking more naps.
Traylor pulls a face: “I don’t do down time very well.”
“You’re acting like we haven’t done anything to you,” Rigano says.
Traylor has recently undergone a radical modified mastectomy known as a “tram flap,” in which breast reconstruction is performed at the same time by using abdominal muscle. “It’s a major operation,” Rigano explains, “a seek-and-destroy mission that allows the physician to be very aggressive.”
Traylor’s situation warranted this surgery because she “has a grade 3 tumor, bad genetics and a very invasive cancer. The advantages of the tram flap are that it’s one recovery, it’s immediate reconstruction, she doesn’t go through an acute loss and disfiguring process that may or may not bother some women.”
Or, in layman’s terms, “I never went boobless,” Traylor quips.
Rigano further explains, “We wouldn’t do this for every patient, a heavy smoker for instance. We need someone who is healthy, motivated and active.”
Traylor’s stepmother, Loretta Foddrell, isn’t surprised she has done so well. “She is not going to sit in bed moaning. She has always been very bubbly and liked people.”
‘It’s part of who I am’
In July, Traylor is back in the hospital, but this time to visit Clara Garza of Huber Heights, another Group 11 member. Garza’s heart and kidneys were failing because of a fluid overload. Traylor is relieved when her friend returns home, doing much better. “Our little group looked great for a while, but now everybody is backsliding,” Traylor laments.
For her part, Traylor is returning to her life at nearly full throttle. Although her position wasn’t renewed at a Dayton charter school, she is thrilled with her new job as a teacher at Trotwood-Madison Junior High School.
All summer, the women of Group 11 prepared gifts for the next group of Noble Circle sisters who began their program Sept. 17. Patricia Partida of Enon, a gifted artist, oversaw the creation of personalized picture frames and bookmarks. These were boisterous gatherings, full of laughter.
For Group 11, it feels good to give back, to welcome the women of Group 12 as warmly as their predecessors greeted them. Their cohesiveness provides a living example:
Noble Circle sisters will never walk away from each other, no matter how bad things get.
Explains co-founder Teri Hall, “Every time I go to a funeral or a viewing, people ask me, ‘How can you stay involved?’ But I can’t walk away from it; it’s part of who I am.”
She adds: “Even to have these women for a short time is a blessing. You don’t know how long you’ll have them, but you love them while they’re here.”.
You can contact The Noble Circle Project at (937) 674-5566 or www.noblecircle.org.
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